The Wisdom of James Potter
by LittleRedLily
Summary: Random series of one-shots about James Potter, the amusing things he gets up to and how he helps/hinders his friends. Includes his guide to girls, an Animagus quiz and how to lose a girl in ten days.
1. James Potter's Guide to Girls

**Disclaimer: JKR owns all or most of the characters in this fic.**

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- Chapter One -

~ James Potter's Guide to Girls ~

'James!' Remus half-shouted. Uncharacteristically, he ran across the common room and skidded to a halt when he was level with the table James was sitting at.

'What's up?' James asked him easily, slipping his hands into his pocket.

'I need tips!' Remus exclaimed. 'Right, you know Kelly Bell?'

James had to think for a moment, his dark eyebrows pulling into a crease. 'Yeah, she's on the Gryffindor Quidditch team, right?'

'Yeah!'

'Okay … you can stop shouting.'

'Sorry,' he gulped. 'I just want some tips from _you_ about girls. You know, like dos and don'ts.'

James felt flattered. 'Wow … _you're_ coming to _me _for help? That's a change. Wow. Never thought I'd see that day.'

Remus laughed forcefully, not wanting to point out that it was seventh-year and James _still_ hadn't befriended Lily Evans.

'Okay, I've got some tips for you. Wait, how serious is this?'

'Well … I've liked her for some time,' he said shyly.

James had to work to conceal his grin.

He withdrew an ink pot, a quill and parchment from his school bag and began writing in his elegant handwriting:

_James Potter's Guide to Girls_

_1. Girls like funniness, so be funny  
2. Talk to her  
3. Share secrets with her  
4. Give her your jacket  
- When she says, "Brr, I'm cold!", she's basically saying, "Please give me your jacket"  
5. Make sure you give good hugs. I like hugs =]  
- Hug her from behind every now and then  
6. Laugh with her  
7. Smile with her  
8. Take pictures with her  
9. If you guys get into an "I love you" fight, don't give up. But, please, for the sake of us, your close friends, _please_ don't get into an "I love you" fight.  
10. Be chivalrous  
- Hold doors open  
- Let her through first  
- Don't cheat or lie to her (not that you would)  
11. If something's wrong, ask her what's up  
- If she denies it, don't persist  
- Just hug her  
12. Tickle her – she secretly likes it  
13. Stand up for her  
14. Give her _that stare_ every now and then. You know, that deep, meaningful one.  
15. Hold hands  
16. Take random strolls in day or moonlight  
17. Introduce her to us  
18. If she _ever_ comes crying to you, just be like, "Who am I out to bury?"  
- IF this ever happens, it's got to be _really _bad; most girls don't like feeling vulnerable.  
19. Don't get jealous to see her with others  
20. Pick nice places for dates – it makes a huge difference. But if she's got a good idea of where she wants to go, stick with it.  
21. Tell her she's "beautiful", not "hot" or anything stupid  
22. Surprise her  
23. _DON'T_ pay for everything – she doesn't want to solely depend on you  
24. Give her room  
25. Bring her flowers and stuff every now and then  
- Just so you know, lilies are my favourite.  
26. Don't forget – she's probably as shy of you as you are of her. Don't be intimidating.  
27. Don't forget to say "I love you"._

James finished writing the list with a little swirl and smiled. 'That's all I can come up with from the top of my head; there're bound to be more.'

'Right …' Remus said sceptically. 'I've just got a few little things to say about that; retorts, more like.'

_Remus Lupin's Disagreements, etc., to James Potter's Guide to Girls_

_1. Girls like funniness, so be funny – _how?_  
2. Talk to her – _about what?_  
3. Share secrets with her_ – okay, so I tell her I'm a werewolf and then she ditches me and blabs?_  
4. Give her your jacket _– what if I get cold?  
_- When she says, "Brr, I'm cold!", she's basically saying, "Please give me your jacket  
5. Make sure you give good hugs. I like hugs =] _- No argument_  
- Hug her from behind every now and then  
6. Laugh with her _– no argument_  
7. Smile with her_ – nothing to say_  
8. Take pictures with her _– with my invisible camera?_  
9. If you guys get into an "I love you" fight, don't give up. But, please, for the sake of us, your close friends, _please_ don't get into an "I love you" fight. _– Yeah. Not going to happen._  
10. Be chivalrous _– no argument  
_- Hold doors open  
- Let her through first  
- Don't cheat or lie to her (not that you would)  
11. If something's wrong, ask her what's up _– nothing to say  
_12. Tickle her – she secretly likes it_ – and if she doesn't?  
_13. Stand up for her_ – what if she's against you guys?  
_14. Give her _that stare_ every now and then. You know, that deep, meaningful one._ – I have NO idea what you're talking about. Writing, rather.  
_15. Hold hands_ – hmm fine.  
_16. Take random strolls in day or moonlight_ – in werewolf form?  
_17. Introduce her to us _– let Kelly meet Sirius? You might as well announce her funeral!  
_18. If she _ever_ comes crying to you, just be like, "Who am I out to hex?" – _I'm part pacifistic.  
_19. Don't get jealous to see her with others_ – easier said than done.  
_20. Pick nice places for dates – it makes a huge difference. But if she's got a good idea of where she wants to go, stick with it._ – I don't _know_ anywhere I want to go!  
_21. Tell her she's "beautiful", not "hot" or anything stupid – _retort unavailable_  
22. Surprise her_ – with what?  
_23. _DON'T_ pay for everything – she doesn't want to solely depend on you _– and if she does?_  
24. Give her room_ – how much?  
_25. Bring her flowers and stuff every now and then – _okay.  
_- Just so you know, lilies are my favourite _– I'm not buying you lilies, James._  
26. Don't forget – she's probably as shy of you as you are of her. Don't be intimidating._ – I honestly don't think that's possible.  
_27. Don't forget to say "I love you"._ – Okay.

'What're you guys doing?' Sirius enquired, coming down from the dormitories.

'James is helping me with some girl troubles,' Remus said lightly.

'Come again?'

'Kelly Bell – she asked me out and I said yes. James is just helping me out. Look, he wrote a list.'

Remus brandished the list under Sirius's nose. He took it, read it and, frowning, reached for James's quill and ink pot.

_Sirius Black's Additions to Remus Lupin's Disagreements, etc., to James Potter's Guide to Girls_

_1. Girls like funniness, so be funny – _how? – Easy, be yourself_  
2. Talk to her – _about what? – Anything funny, huge, sweet_  
3. Share secrets with her_ – okay, so I tell her I'm a werewolf and then she ditches me and blabs? – If it's serious (no pun intended), sure, why not?_  
4. Give her your jacket _– what if I get cold? – It doesn't matter, just do it  
_- When she says, "Brr, I'm cold!", she's basically saying, "Please give me your jacket"  
5. Make sure you give good hugs. I like hugs =] _- No argument – shut up, James._  
- Hug her from behind every now and then  
6. Laugh with her _– no argument – even if it's a bad joke_  
7. Smile with her_ – nothing to say – even when you feel like crying_  
8. Take pictures with her _– with my invisible camera? – No, with mine_  
9. If you guys get into an "I love you" fight, don't give up. But, please, for the sake of us, your close friends, _please_ don't get into an "I love you" fight. _– Yeah. Not going to happen. – Good._  
10. Be chivalrous _– no argument - check  
_- Hold doors open  
- Let her through first  
- Don't cheat or lie to her (not that you would)  
11. If something's wrong, ask her what's up _– nothing to say - cool  
_12. Tickle her – she secretly likes it_ – and if she doesn't? – She secretly does  
_13. Stand up for her_ – what if she's against you guys? – depends on the seriousness AND Siriusness. There's always a compromise.  
_14. Give her _that stare_ every now and then. You know, that deep, meaningful one._ – I have NO idea what you're talking about. Writing, rather. – That 'I'm so into you' stare.  
_15. Hold hands_ – hmm fine. – Even in public  
_16. Take random strolls in day or moonlight_ – in werewolf form? – No.  
_17. Introduce her to us _– let Kelly meet Sirius? You might as well announce her funeral! – Thanks, Remus -.-  
_18. If she _ever_ comes crying to you, just be like, "Who am I out to hex?" – _I'm part pacifistic. – be a man, Moony.  
_19. Don't get jealous to see her with others_ – easier said than done. – I'm SO with you there.  
_20. Pick nice places for dates – it makes a huge difference. But if she's got a good idea of where she wants to go, stick with it._ – I don't _know_ anywhere I want to go! – That doesn't matter; she can pioneer.  
_21. Tell her she's "beautiful", not "hot" or anything stupid – _retort unavailable – good._  
22. Surprise her_ – with what? – Surprises.  
_23. _DON'T_ pay for everything – she doesn't want to solely depend on you _– and if she does? – She shouldn't; this'll show she's using you._  
24. Give her room_ – how much? – Enough. However much she wants.  
_25. Bring her flowers and stuff every now and then – _okay. – Right.  
_- Just so you know, lilies are my favourite _– I'm not buying you lilies, James. – Aww, Remus, I bet you've broken his heart now! Aww, Prongsies._  
26. Don't forget – she's probably as shy of you as you are of her. Don't be intimidating._ – I honestly don't think that's possible. – I do.  
_27. Don't forget to say "I love you"._ – Okay. – Good.

'I've been calling you guys for ages!' Lily said impatiently, marching up to them. 'Professor McGonagall is chasing all of you down. Hell_o_, are you even listening?'

No, Lily. No, they were not.

'What's this stupid piece of parchment that's attracting all of your attention, anyway?'

She snatched the parchment from Sirius and read it, her face growing softer with every number; she even went 'aww!' at a couple. She then took the quill from an extremely befuddled Sirius and wrote on it.

_Lily Evans's Comments to Sirius Black's Additions to Remus Lupin's Disagreements, etc., to James Potter's Guide to Girls_

_1. Girls like funniness, so be funny – _how? – Easy, be yourself – and she'll slowly fall straight for you._  
2. Talk to her – _about what? – Anything funny, huge news, sweet stuff – and her and you._  
3. Share secrets with her_ – okay, so I tell her I'm a werewolf and then she ditches me and blabs? – If it's serious (no pun intended), sure, why not? – test her loyalty first. Give her a fake secret and see if she keeps it. It's mean, but it works ALL the time._  
4. Give her your jacket _– what if I get cold? – It doesn't matter, just do it – make sure you're still warm, though!  
_- When she says, "Brr, I'm cold!", she's basically saying, "Please give me your jacket"  
5. Make sure you give good hugs. I like hugs =] _- No argument – shut up, James. – Everyone loves hugs. Don't deny it, Black._  
- Hug her from behind every now and then  
6. Laugh with her _– no argument – even if it's a bad joke – you can tell her if it was a bad joke; she'd already know._  
7. Smile with her_ – nothing to say – even when you feel like crying – if you ever DO, make sure you talk to her if you can._  
8. Take pictures with her _– with my invisible camera? – No, with mine – dip them in that potion and frame some or paste them onto your dormitory wall thing – she'll love you for that._  
9. If you guys get into an "I love you" fight, don't give up. But, please, for the sake of us, your close friends, _please_ don't get into an "I love you" fight. _– Yeah. Not going to happen. – Good – seconded._  
10. Be chivalrous _– no argument – check – she'll love that.  
_- Hold doors open  
- Let her through first  
- Don't cheat or lie to her (not that you would)  
11. If something's wrong, ask her what's up _– nothing to say – cool – that's nice (:  
_12. Tickle her – she secretly likes it_ – and if she doesn't? – She secretly does – she just says she doesn't.  
_13. Stand up for her_ – what if she's against you guys? – depends on the seriousness AND Siriusness. There's always a compromise. – No worries, I'm still alive.  
_14. Give her _that stare_ every now and then. You know, that deep, meaningful one._ – I have NO idea what you're talking about. Writing, rather. – That 'I'm so into you' stare. – She'll love you for that, too! Intense moments.  
_15. Hold hands_ – hmm fine. – Even in public – sweet.  
_16. Take random strolls in day or moonlight_ – in werewolf form? – No. – You'll find a way around this.  
_17. Introduce her to us _– let Kelly meet Sirius? You might as well announce her funeral! – Thanks, Remus -.- - ha, ha! Laugh out loud!  
_18. If she _ever_ comes crying to you, just be like, "Who am I out to hex?" – _I'm part pacifistic. – be a man, Moony. – Just be you.  
_19. Don't get jealous to see her with others_ – easier said than done. – I'm SO with you there. – Shut up, guys.  
_20. Pick nice places for dates – it makes a huge difference. But if she's got a good idea of where she wants to go, stick with it._ – I don't _know_ anywhere I want to go! – That doesn't matter; she can pioneer. – She'd love to.  
_21. Tell her she's "beautiful", not "hot" or anything stupid – _retort unavailable – good. – Awwwwwwwww!_  
22. Surprise her_ – with what? – Surprises. – You don't say -_-  
_23. _DON'T_ pay for everything – she doesn't want to solely depend on you _– and if she does? – She shouldn't; this'll show she's using you. – She'll want to pay._  
24. Give her room_ – how much? – Enough. However much she wants. – Well said.  
_25. Bring her flowers and stuff every now and then – _okay. – Right. – Sweet (: if you keep on giving them and making no effort, though, they won't work.  
_- Just so you know, lilies are my favourite, one type in particular _– I'm not buying you lilies, James. – Aww, Remus, I bet you've broken his heart now! Aww, Prongsies. – Comment unavailable._  
26. Don't forget – she's probably as shy of you as you are of her. Don't be intimidating._ – I honestly don't think that's possible. – I do. – She is, even if she pretends not to be.  
_27. Don't forget to say "I love you"._ – Okay. – Good. – Okay … I love you, James.  
28. Just be yourself, you don't need to change. She should love you for who you are: clever, amusing, fun, charming, chivalrous, brave and so many more qualities.

'Okay, you guys have completely messed up my list,' said James irritably, avoiding Lily's eyes. He read everyone's comments and then looked up at Lily, shock immobilising him. 'You're playing,' he spluttered. 'You've got to be joking me.'

'Well … it'd be a really bad joke,' Lily said shyly. She looked up at him, toying shyly with her hair. 'Not to mention mean and true.'

'Wow!' Remus gasped. 'James, if your Guide worked on _Lily Evans_ then it'll definitely work on Kelly Bell!'

_One date later …_

'Come on, Remus, she wasn't worth it,' Sirius said, shaking Remus. 'If she didn't like the date, didn't like _you_, it just means you've got to move on.'

'I don't get it, though,' Remus moaned. 'How come the Guide worked for you and James, but not for me?'

'Remus, ol' friend,' Sirius said gravely, 'you were born to remain single for the rest of your life.'

'Thanks, Padfoot,' Remus said flatly.

* * *

**A/N: Hope you enjoyed this! Also, please note that this fic is a series of one-shots (unless stated otherwise), therefore each chapter is independent of the other.**


	2. The Animagus Quiz

**Disclaimer: I don't own the characters (:**

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- Chapter Two -

~ The Animagus Quiz ~

'Okay, now it's my turn,' the seventh-year Sirius grinned. 'Ooooh, I wonder Animagus I might be … not,' he laughed.

He snatched the quill from Remus's hand, eradicated the marks Sirius had left, and put his quill to the parchment.

'… what do I do?' he asked stupidly.

'Next to every statement which applies to you,' James explained, 'put a little 'x'.'

'Fine,' Sirius shrugged. 'Why an 'x'?'

'Lily likes x's,' said James lightly.

Sirius grinned and shook his midnight hair out of his eyes; some nearby girls in the Gryffindor common room sighed dreamily.

'Okay, here I go …'

He looked down at the parchment and began marking 'x's in allocated spaces where the statements were true to him. Every now and then, he laughed.

_- Section One -  
__[x] You're intelligent (admit it)  
__[x] You use your common sense – which you have a lot of  
__[] You're sometimes strict, but it's for the best  
__[x] You have feelings you don't always show  
__[] You're quite understanding  
__[] You can explain things clearly  
__[] You're honest  
__[x] You can be thought of as brave_

_- Section Two -  
__[] You're quite kind  
__[x] You have an open mind  
__[] You're pretty inside and/or out (admit it)  
__[x] You're loving and/or lovable  
__[x] Your wit and other traits make you charming  
__[x] You're honest, bold and/or brave  
__[x] You're intelligent (admit it)  
__[x] You really leave your mark on people_

_- Section Three -  
__[x] You're bold and brave  
__[x] You're extremely funny  
__[x] You're loyal to and trust your friends  
__[x] You're somewhat rebellious and a trouble-maker  
__[x] You're still lovable  
__[x] You can be rash, sometimes  
__[x] You find it hard to break habits  
__[x] You put your friends before yourself_

_- Section Four -  
__[x] You're intelligent (admit it)  
__[] You're kind and somewhat sensitive  
__[] You can be serious when necessary (and uncalled for)  
__[x] You're looked up to  
__[x] You're realistic  
__[] You're careful  
__[] Many come to you for help/guidance  
__[] You like to learn_

_- Section Five -  
__[] You can be quite quiet  
__[] You like the company of superior people  
__[] You can sometimes be nosy  
__[] You're quite curious  
__[] You can be disloyal at times  
__[x] You've got a good heart  
__[] You're somewhat easily misled  
__[] You're quite fearful_

_- Section Six -  
__[] You like to gossip  
__[x] You're quite fashionable and stylish  
__[] You can be quite nosy  
__[x] You prefer the company of inferior people  
__[x] You can go to certain extents to get what you want  
__[] You're a sore loser  
__[] You like your money  
__[] You can be somewhat patronising at times_

_- Section Seven -  
__[] You're wise (admit it)  
__[x] You're often perceived as intimidating  
__[] But you're really friendly  
__[] You're careful  
__[x] You're cunning – but for the good  
__[] You're highly open-minded  
__[x] You're kind of secretive  
__[] You're looked up to_

_- Section Eight -  
__[x] You're brave and protective  
__[x] You're loyal  
__[x] You have good leadership qualities  
__[] You're caring and kind  
__[] You're loving  
__[x] You can be a bit rebellious  
__[x] You're quite smart (admit it)  
__[] You can be modest_

_If you got the most x's on Section One, you are a … __**Cat**__! You're highly intelligent and you have a lot of common sense. You can, at times, be strict, but it's for the best and everyone knows that. You have feelings which you should show more, but you're understanding, brave and honest nonetheless. You're great and helping others understand, too._

_If you got the most x's on Section Two, you are a … __**Doe**__! You're extremely kind and open-minded. You're also pretty inside and out (yes, you are), and you're loving and lovable. You're a role model to many, as you're honest, bold, brave and quite smart. You're wit and charm help you leave your mark on everyone and anyone you meet._

_If you got the most x's on Section Three, you are a … __**Dog**__! You're noisy, bold, funny, and loyal and trusting to friends. You're rebellious and a bit of a trouble-maker, but that's what many love about you. You're highly brave and lovable – you're a great catch with many. You like being the centre of attention, and others like giving you the attention, because it's so well-deserved._

_If you got the most x's on Section Four, you are a … __**Lion**__/__**Wolf**__! You're highly intelligent, kind and sensitive, but you're most loved because you're friendly, lovable and looked up to. You can be serious on some occasions, but, hey, someone has to be. Although you have a lot of intelligence, you're not blind enough to think that intelligence is everything._

_If you got the most x's on Section Five, you are a … __**Mouse/Rat!**__ You're quite quiet, and you like the company of people seen as more superior to yourself. You can be nosy and curious, but what's intelligence without curiosity? You can be disloyal, but this could be because you're easily misled. You are, however, good at heart, and everyone knows this._

_If you got the most x's on Section Six, you are a … __**Peacock/Beetle**__! You're quite gossipy, fashionable (in the extreme), somewhat nosy, and you like company of people considered inferior to yourself. You can be a bit of a sore loser, but your majestic qualities make up for that. _

_If you got the most x's on Section Seven, you are a … __**Phoenix/Owl**__! You're extremely wise, but this can sometimes be intimidating. However, you're extremely friendly, cunning (in the good way) and open-minded, which leads you to being very knowledgeable. You're careful, too, but you know how and when to take risks. All of your qualities make you trustable and looked up to._

_If you got the most x's on Section Eight, you are a … __**Stag**__! You're so loved, because you're brave, loyal, modest, caring and loving. You're also protective, but not overly. You have great leader qualities, as you're also quite smart. You can be a bit rebellious, but you're loved for it._

'You are _not _looked up to,' Remus scoffed.

'Shurrup, Moony, of course I am,' said Sirius pompously. 'To the good people of rebelliville.'

'… yeah. And Peter's not a girl,' said James darkly.

'Hey!' Peter squeaked, sounding very girl-like.

'Kidding, Peter,' James laughed. 'So? What are you, Padfoot?'

'Did you really have to ask that?' Sirius asked, with his eyebrows raised.

'Dog,' James grinned, guessing. 'Wellll …'

'What are you least like?' Remus inquired interestedly.

Sirius looked back down at the parchment. 'I think I'm … less like a mouse or rat,' Sirius said eventually, looking up and grinning at Peter.

'There's a surprise,' James joked.

'Why do we have a doe _and _a stag?' Sirius demanded to James, the quiz-maker.

'Well, they're similar, but different,' James said evasively.

Sirius continued staring at him.

'They are!' said James defensively. 'They may be in the deer family, but males and females perceive different qualities and they complement each other and …' James faltered under Sirius's continuous stare. 'Okay, it was Lily-influenced,' James sighed in defeat.

'Acceptance … you're one step closer, m'boy,' said Sirius, pretending to be emotional. 'By the way, you missed a trait for the dog.'

'Eight traits each,' said Remus automatically.

'But this one's _key_,' Sirius whined.

'What is it?'

'You forgot to say how unbelievable and irrestistably hot I am,' he grinned, but his eyes were on some passing students – witches who were giving him "The Eye". 'Whoa, one sec,' he said to Remus who was about to argue, 'I've got business.' He sloped off, and James heard him say, 'Excuse me, ladies, which of you care to …'

'Sirius is right and wrong,' James said to Remus. 'We _did _miss off a prominent trait, but not the one about his appearance; we missed off how persistent and active he is in the dating world.'

Remus rolled his eyes while James and Peter laughed.

* * *

**A/N: It's a short chapter, and it didn't take long to make, but I had fun – sorry! (: Feel free to take the quiz, that's partly why I've put it up there. You can copy and paste the quiz in the review and just mark an 'x' between the brackets, as James had explained. I'm quite interested as to what you all will get (: Feel free to PM me if you don't want it displayed (:**


	3. How to Lose a Girl in Ten Days

**Disclaimer: Characters = JKR's (:**

* * *

- Chapter Three -

~ How to Lose a Girl in Ten Days ~

'Okay, James, I've got her and I don't like her,' Remus said urgently. 'What on earth do I do now? She's so clingy!'

'A common discovery, fool,' James said easily. 'This is exactly why we ask girls if they're clingy or not on the first date. I told you so.'

'But that sounds so _stupid_!' Remus spluttered. 'I'd just be like "Erm, hello, Marlene, are you a clingy so-and-so?".'

'Actually,' James said, smiling smugly, 'you'd say "Hey, Marlene, my sweetheart, my love, my dear one, would you consider yourself as a clingy angel?", because, if you ask it like that, she'll be so taken over by the "angel" part that she'll tell the truth about the clingy bit.'

'… for once, I don't follow,' said Remus blankly.

'Well, I know what I mean.'

'Anyway …' Remus prompted.

'Well … I know how to lose a girl in ten days,' said James.

'Why …?'

'I've needed it on many occasions, okay?' he said defensively.

Remus stared wordlessly at James before hurriedly saying, 'Just continue.'

'Well, it's not actually ten days,' said James sheepishly. 'Ten just sounds cool.'

Remus rolled his eyes.

* * *

~ Day One:

'What are you doing today, Moony?' James asked Remus casually, as he helped himself to breakfast.

'Erm … Marlene and I are going for a walk by the lake,' Remus groaned as he remembered.

'Unlucky, mate,' Sirius said, clapping his friend on the back.

'No, Sirius,' James intervened, spreading jam on his bread. 'Very lucky.'

Peter, Remus and Sirius all looked at James as if he was mad.

'Moony, my man, you're going to stand her up.'

'Yes, but – what?' Remus spluttered. 'Stand her up?'

'Yeah,' said James easily, 'you know, don't show up.'

'I know what "stand her up" means,' said Remus. 'But, James, this is _Marlene McKinnon_. She'll hack my body into pieces and stew me up for her supper! Do you want to try some Remus Stew?'

'Er … no, thanks, Moony,' said James. 'Just do as I say.'

'This had better be worth it,' said Remus, staring with narrowed eyes at James.

Remus stuck to the common room all day, knowing he would have to face Marlene eventually. The Marauders had to keep him company in order to prevent him from seeking out Marlene and apologising humbly.

'And to think you're a Gryffindor,' James laughed, after winning yet another round of exploding snap again his three friends.

'I'm a Gryffindor,' Remus argued. 'Somewhere deep down there …'

'Yeah,' Sirius agreed. 'Somewhere deep, deep, deep, deep, _deep_ down there.'

This earned him a slap on the back of the head from Remus.

'Ow,' Sirius complained. He was going to continue, when something caught his eye.

'Trouble at four o'clock,' he muttered to James.

James's eyes shot around the Gryffindor common room until he spotted the trouble: a dishevelled Marlene McKinnon.

Her long, soft brown hair looked soaked from the rain outside, and the little eye make up she had applied for their date had begun running down her cheeks like tears.

'Er … we'll go,' Sirius said awkwardly.

He stood up and grabbed James's whole arm, pulling him up and dragging him to the boys' dormitory. Peter tagged along nervously.

Marlene spared Remus a glare, a sheer, terrifying glare. He could see her shaking with irrepressible fury.

He was really in for it now.

'Where HAVE you been?' they heard her shriek.

* * *

~ Day Two:

'What?' James spluttered. 'She didn't dump you?'

'No,' Remus replied. 'Did you expect her to?'

'Nah,' James admitted. 'But a guy can hope, can't he?'

Remus sighed. 'So, what's on the agenda today?'

'You tell me.'

'Well … Marlene wanted to have yesterday's date today,' Remus said unwillingly. 'There's no way I can get out of this one.'

'Good,' James replied.

'Why is this good now?'

'Because today,' James was saying, 'you will annoy her.'

'Annoy her how?' Remus asked. 'And will the outcome of this be getting covered in Bulbadox powder? Those boils Marlene gave me were so difficult to get rid of – even Madam Pomfrey struggled slightly! And some were in places she couldn't, wouldn't and shouldn't be –'

'Well … you're okay now,' said James, avoiding Remus's second question. 'Annoy her by … staring at other girls.'

Remus gasped. 'That is _low_.'

'It is _effective_,' James replied, using Remus's tone. 'And you're also going to act indifferent and disinterested towards her and everything she has to say. And be as rude as possible.'

'Fine,' Remus huffed.

Hating himself even more, Remus went along with his date, walking serenely along the lake.

'It's such a nice day,' said Marlene sweetly.

That was a matter of opinion. The sky was grey with December's coolness, and the wind was bitingly cold. The few trees scattered amongst the school fields bore no leaves. There were hardly any girls for him to stare at.

'Yeah,' Remus grunted indifferently, staring everywhere besides Marlene.

'So … what now?' Marlene asked hopefully.

Just then, two Hufflepuff girls can in sight, giggling; Remus stared at them avidly, not looking away when he felt Marlene's eyes on him.

'Ahem,' said Marlene. 'Remus, honey, I'm over here.'

'Yeah …' he mumbled, still staring at the Hufflepuffs.

They caught sight of Remus staring at them, and giggled even more, throwing their heads back. The girl with elaborately curly blonde hair shook her head, staring at Marlene with pity.

'Let's go,' Marlene growled through gritted teeth.

She yanked Remus's arm and led him away, back indoors.

'Uh-oh …' Remus whispered, preparing himself for a long and loud telling off. And maybe a hex or two …

'What're you playing at?' she growled when they were in the common room.

'What're _you_ playing at?' he said. 'I was having a nice time outside.

'Yeah, eyeing up other girls,' she said, staring at him shrewdly.

'Exactly,' said Remus simply. He prepared himself for a jinx, but it didn't come.

Instead, he saw Marlene still staring at him with narrowed eyes, as though she was calculating something.

'I know what you're doing,' she said, a grin spreading across her face.

'You do?' said Remus weakly, relief spreading through him – she could make the break up easier.

'Yes,' she grinned. 'You're trying to put me down as much as possible and then give me some sort of a huge surprise so I feel really, really loved!' she squealed.

Girl logic. Confusing.

'You wish,' Remus said.

He watched Marlene's lips quiver and her face fall, watched her eyes well up with tears and her body collapse into a squashy armchair.

'No, Marlene,' Remus said in a hushed voice when she began wailing.

He couldn't help but stare around at the other curious-looking Gryffindors who were muttering and shaking their heads.

'Marlene, sh,' said Remus, trying to sound soothing without sounding impatient. 'Please be quiet, Marley, _please_.'

'It's because I'm fat, isn't it?' Marlene wailed.

'No!' said Remus in a hushed voice. 'It's not 'cause you're fat! I mean, you're not fat at all.'

'Then why don't you like me?' she howled.

'I do,' he assured her. 'Just … not in the way you think. I like you as a friend. I'm just not ready for a relationship.'

'You could've just said,' she sobbed, 'rather than hurt my feelings like this.'

'James said –'

'Potter,' Marlene growled, wiping her face.

Remus laughed slightly. 'Yeah, him.'

'I'll get Lily on him,' she said, determinedly, standing up.

'No!' said Remus fearfully, standing up with her. 'You can't!'

'Can.'

She began making her way to the girls' dormitories.

'Can't!' he argued, following her.

'Can.'

'Can't!'

'Can.'

'Can't!'

'Why?' she said, rounding on him.

'There'll be no James left when Lily's through with him,' said Remus.

He wasn't far off what'd actually happen. Consequently, he was trying to have a go at James through Madam Pomfrey's curtains in the Hospital Wing.

'All I had to do was talk to her,' he fumed. 'But you –'

'You came to _me_ for help,' James called back, 'what did you expect?'

He pushed back the curtains, having finally gotten changed with Sirius's aid.

'I don't know,' Remus sighed, watching James make himself comfortable in bed.

'How long're you gonna be in here for?' Peter squeaked.

'A week,' James groaned – until he discovered that groaning hurt. 'Man, got my legs to cure, my arms, my head _and_ my throat.'

'Fun,' Sirius commented. 'Real fun.'

'You bet,' James groaned, before wincing in pain yet again.

'Just out of interest,' Remus began cautiously, 'what were your other tips on how to ditch a girl?'

'Oh,' said James, racking his brain, 'be thoughtless and uncaring, especially in front of others and talk about yourself. Loads. Especially about your past girlfriends and other women.'

Peter, Remus and Sirius stared at him, aghast.

'James, I asked you to help me break up with her,' said Remus, 'not to get me killed!'

'I think we can agree I'm in a worse condition than you,' said James, indicating to his bandaged arms, his cast-covered legs and the huge, unattractive boil protruding from his neck.

'Maybe …' Remus muttered.

'Either way, you're free,' said James optimistically, 'free from that man-eater.'

'Either way, you're not,' Sirius laughed. 'I'm going to have fun torturing you for the next week …' he said maliciously.

James swallowed. If he thought Lily's torture was bad, surely Sirius's torturing would be off the scale!

* * *

**A/N: The moral of the story being don't mess with girls (;**

**Right …  
- Sorry this is waaaay late (been busy with the other chapters of this story and another fanfic)  
- Sorry this is pretttttty rubbish (although I've had tons of time to work on it)  
- And sorry for the chapters muck-up a reviewer kindly told me about (:**

**I think I'll make the next chapter happier with more pranks and a bit of romance (:**

**Also, tell me more of what you want! (:**


	4. Filch's Files

**Disclaimer: Characters = JKR's (:**

* * *

- Chapter Four -

~ Filch's Files ~

The four continued tip-toeing down the silent corridor for no apparent reason – the corridor was abandoned anyway. Not many students found the pleasure they did when breaking curfew by roaming the corridors after hours.

It all happened extremely suddenly. Peter, who was behind everyone as usual, knocked over a pillar with his elbow; the pillar held a brass vase – the vase fell to the floor with a loud _clang_!

'HOOOOLIGAAAAAAAAAAAAANS!' Filch shouted, appearing with Mrs Norris by his side from nothingness. 'GET BACK HERE _IMMEDIATELY_. I'll have you OUT of this castle for sure now! Not even Dumbledore can save you all! I KNOW it was you four who wrote those … those … those rude, RUDE words on my wall! COME BACK HERE!'

But the Marauders continued running, until they were sure that Filch was out of sight. They lent against the wall, struggling to breathe as they were laughing so hard. They didn't realise they were directly outside Filch's office. It was okay, though; Filch was probably looking for them down the Charms corridor or something by now.

'Hahaha! Did you – did you – did you see his face?' Sirius panted, clutching his sides. 'COME BACK HERRRRRRRRE! Yeah, right, we'd return because he told us to! Hahaha!'

'And tho-those words on his wall!' James cried, wiping his eyes. 'Sirius, you're such a legend! Haha!'

'Ah, it was nothing,' he said modestly, clearly pleased with himself. He was beginning to ease up on the laughter now.

'Don't ruin it, Padfoot,' James said lightly, getting rid of his laughing fit; Remus and Peter hadn't been laughing as much, so it was easy for them. 'Hell-_ooo_, what's this?' James said cunningly, sneaking into Filch's office. 'I never thought I'd see the day where I would willingly walk into Filch's office.'

'And you unwillingly never come out,' said Peter, alarmed. 'Come back, Prongs! The spirits are gonna get you!'

'What spirits?' James mocked, turning around to look at Peter when he and Sirius were in Filch's office.

'The spirits of students who have died during Filch's detentions,' Peter continued in a spooky tone. 'They don't like their peace disturbed … leave them be, James, leave them be!'

'Whaaaaaatever,' said James carelessly.

He looked around Filch's office. There were the draws marked 'DANGEROUS & CONFISCATED', but James had already raided through them. 'Yaaawn,' he said.

He strode over to Filch's cabinet, where there was a draw slightly opened. Knowing neither Filch nor his devilish assistant Mrs Norris were around, he quietly slid the draw open to find files and files of names of others in James's year.

He passed 'Avery' before he reached 'Black, Sirius'. With an air of interest, he pulled out and opened the file.

**Full Name: **Sirius Orion Black  
**Date of Birth:** 12.09.59  
**House: **Gryffindor  
**Mother: **Walburga Black, Slytherin  
**Father: **Orion Black, Slytherin  
**Sibling: **Regulus Black, Slytherin  
**Status: **Effortless troublemaker  
**More Info:**

'WHAT?' Sirius shouted, joining James. 'That is NOT on! Filch wrote _what _about me? "Effortless"? I use up a lot of time and effort on my troublemaking!'

'More time than you should,' Remus added, coming over to James, too.

Peter looked to his left, then to his right, and quickly scuttled over by James's side, as well.

'Next file,' Sirius said.

'Bones, Amelia … Diggory, Amos … Evans, Lily? Oooh …' James said.

**Full Name: **Lily Evans  
**Date of Birth: **30.01.60  
**House: **Gryffindor  
**Mother: **Emily Evans, Muggle  
**Father: **Dylan Evans, Muggle  
**Sibling: **Petunia Evans, Muggle  
**Status: **Undercover devil, Dumbledore-chosen Prefect – WHO IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL ANGEL ON EARTH

'Please tell me you _didn't_ just add that,' Remus said.

'Remus, my friend, I didn't just add that,' James said sincerely.

'Really?' he said quickly.

'I was only saying what you told me to say. Mind, it's the truth, so it should be down there.'

'Don't argue,' Sirius said quietly to Remus. 'I've tried to so many times. Never happened.'

'Next file,' Remus said seriously.

'Yeah, but no – I want more on Lily! More info, I mean – wait, Remus, no, don't -!'

But Remus was already flicking through the files. He passed 'Gills, Vanessa,' ignoring Sirius's cries of 'NOOO! I WANNA SEE GILLS' FILES,' and 'Haney, Cassandra,' 'Knight, Alice,' and 'Longbottom, Frank,' until he reached his own – 'Lupin, Remus.'

**Full Name:** Remus John Lupin  
**Date of Birth:** 10.03.60  
**House: **Gryffindor  
**Mother: **Lois Lupin, Muggle-born  
**Father: **John Lupin, Gryffindor  
**Sibling: **None  
**Status: **Nasty, dirty, rotten devil in disguise. And werewolf. Also Dumbledore-chosen Prefect.

Remus sighed and shook his head.

'I don't wanna read any more,' he said lowly. 'I'll never be accepted in this cold, cold world.'

'Yeah, you will, Moony,' Sirius said lightly, putting an arm of Remus's shoulder. 'Someday. Maybe not today. Or tomorrow. Or even weeks after that. _But –_ oh, or even _months_ after, _but_ -'

'That's enough, mate,' James said darkly.

'But -'

'Seriously. Shut it.'

James flicked through some more files, passing Meadowes, McKinnon, Mulciber, Nott and Parkinson, until he saw 'Pettigrew, Peter' and decided that more snooping was necessary.

**Full Name:** Peter Pettigrew  
**Date of Birth:** 23.07.60  
**House: **Gryffindor  
**Mother: **Enid Pettigrew, Hufflepuff  
**Father: **Jerry Pettigrew, Gryffindor  
**Sibling: **None  
**Status: **Ratty devil. Friends of Black and Potter.

'Close,' Sirius muttered. 'Dangerously close.'

'I think he's been spying on me,' Peter whimpered fearfully. 'He knows I'm an Animagus!'

James nudged him playfully while Remus burst out laughing.

The next file was James's.

**Full Name:** James Potter  
**Date of Birth:** 27.03.60  
**House: **Gryffindor  
**Mother: **Charlotte Potter, Gryffindor  
**Father: **Andrew Potter, Gryffindor  
**Sibling: **None  
**Status: **Thieving effortless troublemaker.  
**More Info:**  
First Year:  
_- Potter and Black, Sirius turned Mrs Norris's fur bright blue and stuck her to a torch bracket using a Mild Sticking Charm. Refused to apologise. Punished, but not enough, never enough._

James, Peter and Sirius sniggered, while Remus attempted to bite back a laugh.

'Mate, if you were to read the whole of your file,' Sirius laughed, 'we'd be here a while. Move on.'

So James past many more files including Rosier and Shacklebolt before he found 'Snape, Severus'.

'Oooh,' he said. 'Snivellus.'

**Full Name:** Severus Tobias Snape  
**Date of Birth:** 09.10.60  
**House: **Slytherin  
**Mother: **Eileen Prince, Slytherin  
**Father: **Tobias Snape, Muggle  
**Sibling: **None  
**Status: **A mystery.  
**More Info:  
**First Year:  
- _Used _Densaugeo _to grotesquely enlargen James Potter's teeth_.

'I remember that,' Sirius growled, his hands clenched tight. 'Little slime ball …'

James was filled with too much disgust to continue reading.

'Anyone else think it's a little too quiet?' he asked in a hushed voice as his fingers passed Wilkes' and White's files. 'Where's Filch gone?'

'I would be wondering the same thing if I were you,' came a nasty voice from behind them, a voice that made their bones chill. 'Oh, my, aren't we in trouble now?'

The four boys turned around, Peter and Remus more horrified than the other two.

'Not really,' said James, seeming quite relaxed.

'What's the plan?' Remus muttered into James's ear, not taking his eyes off Filch.

'Only one plan left now,' James murmured. 'RUN!'

The Marauders had a special way of running when they were cornered like this. Peter, being the smallest, would duck and run underneath Filch's outstretched arms. James and Remus, being the tallest would run either side of him, and, once they had caused a diversion for Filch, Sirius could easily get away, sometimes even giving Filch a pat on the back.

'Nice try,' he shouted as they ran.

'Indeed,' came a crispy voice in front of them.

James and Sirius had fairly quick reflexes and so skidded to a halt rather quickly, but poor Peter wasn't as lucky; he ran straight into Professor McGonagall, who was standing their crossly with her arms folded.

'What's the plan?' Remus repeated quietly.

'… Moony, my man, I really don't think there is one,' said James, sounding defeated.

* * *

**A/N: Sorry, kinda rubbish, but hey. I've had this for a year. And I have more to come(:**


	5. Witches vs Wizards - Part I

- Chapter Five -

~ Witches vs. Wizards ~

_Part I_

'They will be so mad,' said Sirius in a low, but excited voice to James, Peter and Remus as they dropped into their usual seats at the breakfast table, preparing themselves for the school day ahead of them. 'It's going to be hilarious.'

'This had better be worth it,' said Peter, sounding extremely pained.

He pushed away the plate of bacon James offered him.

'Come on, Pete,' said Remus, 'you will have to eat if you're going to be scurrying around.'

'I don't want to do this,' said Peter unhappily, folding his arms across his chest and frowning sulkily.

'You said you were fine with it!' said Sirius hotly.

'That was _before_ Remus finished all the chocolate he was supposed to give me as a reward for doing this for you!'

'I still can't believe you did that, Moony,' said James, pretending to be serious as he shook his head.

'I was bored and unwell,' Remus muttered defensively.

James noticed his ears had turned pink and hurried on in an attempt to change the subject, because he could tell his friend was embarrassed: 'You're not a Gryffindor for nothing, Wormtail. You can do this.'

'What if I get caught?' Peter squeaked.

'We wouldn't let that happen to you, Pete,' said Sirius. 'We're friends. We always look out for each other.'

Before Peter could say anything else, Remus quickly said, after a glance at James, 'Can we go over the plan one more time?'

'Right,' James breathed, looking around to make sure no one was listening in. 'We have two rats we're going to let loose in Charms. We've shaved off some of their hair to spell out the numbers one and two, okay?'

'Yep,' said Sirius casually as he poured himself some orange juice.

'Then, Peter, you're going to transform, and we're going to cut off some of _your _hair to spell out the number four,' James continued. 'We'll –'

'That won't affect me when I turn back into a human, will it?' Peter interrupted, sounding terrified.

'It shouldn't do,' said Sirius tiredly, looking more interested in his goblet of orange juice than what James was saying, as if he knew the plan back to front.

'We'll let the three of you loose in Charms and tell Flitwick that Remus accidentally let them go and that there're four of them,' said James seriously.

'Remind me again,' said Remus, 'why me?'

'Because you're the goody-goody,' Sirius answered. 'You can get away with accidentally doing something like this.'

Remus opened his mouth to argue, but James hurried on again: 'Wormtail, you're going to make it virtually _impossible_ for anyone to catch you, got it? Do whatever you have to do, be seen, just don't get caught. Disrupt class as much as you can until Flitwick decides we can't continue the lesson. He shouldn't ask for our homework, he'll be too busy trying to chase the rats.

'Understood?'

Peter and Remus nodded.

'Oh, and Padfoot,' said James, 'make sure you do your Charms homework next time.'

'Sure, sure,' said Sirius dully.

'Doing all of this for – Sirius – stupid homework …' Peter muttered wildly under his breath, reaching for a piece of toast.

Remus gave Peter a small smile which made the latter feel slightly better inside. As they stood up after finishing breakfast, James and Sirius noticed Lily Evans noticing them. James grinned goofily to himself. Sirius, however, casually flicked his hair out of his eyes and said, 'All right, Evans? Want something?'

'I've got my eyes on the two of you,' she replied shrewdly.

'I could live with that,' James blurted.

Sirius whacked his friend around the back of the head and pulled him out of the Great Hall, not far behind Peter and Remus, the former still muttering, sounding extremely distressed.

'What was that for?!' said James irritably, as they headed for Charms. 'We would've actually had a proper conversation if you didn't drag me away.'

'Dream on, pretty boy,' said Sirius carelessly. 'Moony, go get the rats. Peter, get in there and transform. Make sure no one sees you.'

Remus left them then, while Peter entered the empty Charms classroom to take his Animagus form. He came out as a diminutive rat, squeaky and seemingly hyperactive. Sirius crouched down to pick him up, while muttering, 'Hold still, Wormtail!'

The rat froze almost instantly, although its nose still twitched. Using his wand, Sirius removed some of the hairs from the rat's head to make the number four. The rat squealed loudly, but Sirius didn't seem to care. Barely minutes later, Remus reappeared holding two other rats; many of the Maruaders' classmates appeared too, and, eventually, Professor Flitwick, the Charms teacher.

All of the students minus Peter sat down in their usual places as Flitwick took the register. Sirius grunted upon his name being called, Bones gave a clear, 'Present', but it was Lily's response that made James's stomach flip.

'Prongs,' Sirius whispered. 'You okay? You're not getting second thoughts about this prank, are you?'

'Prank?' hissed Lily. She was sitting only a table away from James and Sirius.

James didn't care much that she sounded slightly mad, just that she started the conversation first.

'What's this about?' she demanded.

'You'll see, Evans,' Sirius muttered, smirking.

'Okay now, class,' Flitwick squeaked, putting the register down, 'today, we will be starting a _brand, new_ topic. How exciting! First and foremost, I need the homework I set you all last lesson, we c –'

'Professor!' said Remus suddenly, standing up, horrified.

The rest of the class's eyes were drawn to two rats which appeared to come out from nowhere. They squeaked noisily and raced each other to the other end of the classroom. Some of the girls shrieked in disgust. Sirius, meanwhile, discreetly let Peter slip from his hands. As he flicked his hair out of his eyes, he noticed Lily was staring at him with narrowed eyes, clearly unaffected by the rats.

'I think they're my rats, Professor!' said Remus. 'I left them in the empty classroom next door in the cage! I don't know how they escaped.'

'No worries, Mr Lupin,' said Flitwick happily, 'we can gather them all up. How many are there?'

'There's supposed to be four, Professor,' Remus lied, sounding ill at ease.

'Very well,' the professor replied. 'Class, do you remember how to cast the Summoning Charm?'

'Yes, but I don't want to go near a rat!' squealed a Slytherin girl.

'Oh, dear, however will we survive after coming in contact with a rat,' said Mary McDonald, a Gryffindor, tiredly.

She, among others, raised their wands along with Professor Flitwick, and clearly murmured, '_Accio rats_.'

One rat zoomed into the hands of a Ravenclaw, and another into a Hufflepuff's hands.

'Well done!' squeaked Professor Flitwick. 'What about the third and fourth?'

Sirius gave a small laugh, but no one besides James, Lily and Remus heard.

Peter was very good at doing what James told him to; he continuously poked his head up and allowed himself to be seen before dashing to the other side of the room, too quick for anyone to catch him. Several students and the professor attempted to use the Summoning Charm to catch Peter, but none of them worked, for Peter was no ordinary rat – he was an Animagus.

Finally, Professor Flitwick was able to Summon Peter by pointing his wand at him and calling, '_Accio_!'

The Charms teacher returned Peter to Remus, and they all looked around the room for the last rat.

Eventually, the Charms teacher piped up, 'The last rat probably never set foot in this room. It may be in the corridor. You can look for it later, Mr Lup –'

The Slytherin girl who had commented on not wanting to touch a rat earlier screeched again. 'I'm not going to work when there's a _rat_ on the loose.'

Murmurs of agreement followed her bold statement, and, eventually, a tired Flitwick dismissed the class – but set them extra work to do in their own time to catch up on the lesson they missed.

When James, Remus and Sirius left the Charms room, Sirius blinked and turned to his friends, saying, 'Well … that backfired a little.'

'Wasn't our best prank,' James said airily. 'But it was still funny watching everyone try to Summon –'

'_Prank_?' came a scoffing voice from behind them.

The three boys turned around and found Lily surrounded by about four other girls, all of whom were in Gryffindor. It wasn't clear to the boys who spoke.

'You call that a prank?' Mary McDonald questioned, not sounding rude, merely curious.

James rolled his eyes. 'Well, it wasn't our best, but, yes, that was a prank. It got us out of class, didn't it?'

'Yeah, but now we have to do the work in our own time!' said a fairly tall brunette with bright blue eyes. 'Do you realise how much homework we already have?'

'Like you girls could pull any better pranks,' Sirius snorted impertinently.

'I bet we could,' Lily smirked.

'Didn't think prefect Lily Evans had the nerve to pull a prank, let alone plan it,' said James casually, unconsciously running a hand through his hair.

'Oh, yeah?' said Lily confidently, stepping up to the Marauders. 'I declare a prank off.'

'A what off?' said Sirius, hardly believing what he was hearing.

'You heard her,' Rosina Frost, a girl who looked so strikingly like Sirius with her dark hair and grey eyes, said in a harsh voice. 'A prank off – us five against the four great Marauders.'

'You're on,' James said, grinning.

'You've had your go,' said Mary, flicking her brown hair out of her eyes. 'Now it's our turn.'

'Er,' Remus piped up; all eyes turned to him. 'How exactly does one win this – er – "prank off"?'

'Whoever withdraws first,' said Lily, a glint in her eye, 'loses.'

'Let's do this,' Sirius grinned.

*.*.*

It was about a day when the girls had their first prank formulated. It involved a bit of motivation, a few spells and a lot of sneakiness; the Marauders didn't suspect a thing.

They woke up feeling somewhat groggy, but otherwise okay – just like any other day.

Remus was the first to wake up. He decided to get some homework done before doing anything else. He whispered a 'good morning' to James as the latter made his way to the bathroom to shower, a towel and some fresh clothes over his shoulder, yawning and stretching and ruffling his hair. He nodded over at Remus tiredly before shutting and locking the bathroom door.

James tiredly removed the clothes he had been sleeping in and dumped them on the floor; despite a somewhat refreshing sleep, he seemed too exhausted to do any activities that required too much effort.

James stepped into the shower with his eyes half-closed, and switched it on. He ran his hand through his hair, allowing it to soak up as much water as it could. With his eyes still half-closed, he reached for the nearest shampoo bottle and opened it. He poured some onto his hand and continuously ran his hands through his hair after putting the bottle back down; this seemed to awaken him somewhat, and relax him for the fairly stressful day ahead. He amused himself by thinking about the lame pranks the girls were probably going to pull. They were probably _really_ stupid pranks, like pepper slipped into pumpkin juice or something along those lines.

When James was done in the shower, he switched it off, dried himself and dressed up for the day ahead of him. He left the bathroom vigorously attempting to towel dry his hair – he didn't want Lily Evans seeing him with his hair wet, when it actually looked _neat_.

Sirius barged past James on his way into the bathroom, throwing the latter a casual, ''Sup?' Sirius shut and locked the door behind him, while James continued towel drying his hair. Remus and Peter, who was now awake, were too used to James's weird ways of drying his hair.

It was about fifteen minutes later when the three boys heard a loud yelp from the bathroom. Remus looked up sharply, wondering what on earth Sirius was enraged about. They were to find out a moment later.

Sirius opened the bathroom door, wearing naught but a towel around his waist. He was dripping, but he didn't seem to notice, and it was clear why; his hair was a very sickly shade of green.

'What did you _do_ to your hair?' Peter asked, sounding shocked in every syllable.

'I didn't do anything,' Sirius growled irritably. 'I think it was the shampoo. James, what kind of weird shampoo do you _use_?'

James blinked. He slowly took the towel off of his head to reveal that his hair was the same sickly shade of green. He very nearly screamed.

Those girls were better than the Marauders had initially thought they were.

* * *

I _really_ hope you guys enjoyed this. If not, feel free to PM me or review and tell me what you liked/what you think I could do to improve! :) Constructive criticism is always welcome.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this!

- LittleRed xo


	6. Witches vs Wizards - Part II

**Reply to guest review: iamamouse** – Thank you! (: I hope this chapter makes you happy. I struggled a lot with it, because, boy, is writing about the Marauders hard. But I really hope I didn't fail you. Thank you so much!

* * *

- Chapter Six -

~ Witches vs. Wizards ~

_Part II_

Poor James and Sirius had to spend a whole day with their hair puke-green, and they were to spend many more. Lily and the girls had snuck into the boys' dormitory and used a Colourising Charm on their shampoo, and, worst of all, the Charm was to last on their hair for a total of six weeks – six weeks with green hair. The Marauders were _determined_ to get them back for this one, and get them back good. Peter had suggested they spike the girls' shampoo as well, but James shook his head and told him they would probably expect that.

'What we need to do,' Sirius said in a quiet voice which sounded cold with anger, 'is get them back _so_ good that they _never_ forget it for as long as they live.'

'We'll do that, Sirius,' said Remus calmly. 'We've just got to think how. We'll get there.'

'I wanna get there _now_,' Sirius growled.

'Calm down,' said Peter, trying to adopt Remus's calm demeanour, but failing.

'Easy for you to say,' said James darkly. 'You guys don't have hair that looks like it's been barfed all over.'

He then suddenly gasped.

'I have an idea,' he said in a hushed voice, bouncing off his bed and standing on his feet.

'Moony, my man, you're a Prefect.'

'… After all these weeks of wearing the badge, I never would have guessed,' said Remus sardonically.

James shook his head and tried again. 'Listen, Evans using the Prefects' bathroom, right?'

'Ye-es …' said Remus slowly, not quite seeing where James was going with this. 'I'm not going to take pictures of her naked for you, Prongs.'

James mimicked throwing up – although it was common knowledge that he had a crush on Lily Evans, he still denied it.

'As if I would want that,' he said eventually, sounding disgusted. 'No, listen, I want you to sneak in while she's busy and steal her clothes.'

Remus spluttered. '_There's no way I'm doing that._'

Sirius looked out raged at Remus. '_Come on_. That's _brilliant_. It's a great prank. She'll feel so – so –'

'Humiliated? Embarrassed? Degraded?' Remus said helpfully, standing up and folding his arms.

'It'll make her wish she had never picked a fight with us,' said Sirius simply.

'I don't like this,' said Remus stubbornly.

'Me, either,' Peter piped up.

'Ah, come on, Pete,' said Sirius. 'It's just a friendly little prank between two friendly little friendship groups.'

Peter sighed and turned to Remus, who could tell the former was going to try persuading him.

'_Fine_,' said Remus. 'But don't tell anyone I took part in this.'

'Of course not,' Sirius said, smiling in an evil manner.

'Now to come up with pranks for the other girls …' James muttered distractedly, running his hand through his hair.

'What does that Frost girl have for breakfast every morning?' Sirius asked.

Peter and Remus stared at him, but James knew what he was thinking.

'She has cereal,' James said, grinning.

Sirius snapped his fingers and said, 'We can replace it with _dog food_.'

'She'll hate us forever,' said Peter, laughing.

'Worth it,' Sirius replied, shrugging.

'And where are we going to get dog food from?' Remus asked, raising his eyebrows.

'I, er … might have some,' Sirius muttered inaudibly.

No one commented.

The Marauders were ready to carry out their plans that very weekend. Rosina Frost was their first victim. She cursed and swore at the Marauders across the Great Hall and got twenty points taken off Gryffindor for yelling and using bad language. The Marauders didn't seem to mind, though; their House was well in the lead for the House Cup.

James saw Lily leave the Gryffindor table from the corner of his eye, laughing at the prank he and the boys had pulled. He knew Lily's routine (in the least stalker-like way possible); he knew she was going to go and have a bath.

He nodded over to Remus who pulled Sirius up with him.

'Hey!' Sirius protested. 'I wasn't done having breakfast!'

'You've had some bacon, two rolls, six muffins –' Remus began, self-conscious about the bulge over his stomach that was James's Invisibility Cloak.

'Are you saying I'm fat?' Sirius demanded.

Remus rolled his eyes and dragged him out of the Great Hall. The two proceeded up the stairs, staying a fair distance away from Lily, while Sirius moaned about how hungry he was and how much food was just waiting on the platters, calling his name.

'Grow up,' said Remus in a voice too low for Sirius to hear.

'WHAT DID YOU SAY ABOUT MY MUM?'

'Sirius, shh,' said Remus imploringly, checking to see no one was around to hear them. 'We're supposed to be _sneaky_ about this. If Lily catches us …'

'Relax,' Sirius snorted, seeming completely at ease.

The two waited outside the portrait which would open up to lead them to the Prefects' bathroom. The wanted to give Lily time to get in the bath before Remus sneaked in and stole her clothes. He Confunded the portrait to let him in, enveloped himself using James's Invisibility Cloak and tip-toed over to the rack that held Lily's clothes. He took them and slipped them quietly underneath the Cloak. He then quietly left the bathroom and closed the portrait behind him.

Remus took off the Cloak and handed Lily's clothes to Sirius, blushing a delicate shade of scarlet. He then marched off to the Gryffindor common room to ponder over and regret what he had just done. He had probably just embarrassed Lily Evans, the kind, easy-to-love Lily Evans, in front of the whole school. It was bad enough that he turned into a beast externally once a month, but did he have to become a beast internally as well? He, Remus, knew that a sleepless night would lie ahead of him if Lily burst into tears in front of a gaggle of students.

*.*.*

James and Peter caught up to Sirius, who was lurking nearby the Prefects' bathroom, after they finished having breakfast. Sirius filled the two boys in on what happened and how well things went according to plan; all they had to wait for was Lily's scream, and … whatever was to happen next.

They only had to wait a few moments when they saw the portrait door open. Lily Evans came out, water dripping from her hair and onto the floor. She ran her towel through her hair again while humming a song … wearing a bath robe.

She caught sight of the three Marauders from the corner of her eye and laughed when she saw her clothes in Sirius's hands.

'What?' she said, smiling gleefully. 'Did Remus not tell you there are bath robes in the Prefects' bathroom?' She laughed and continued humming and walking, taking her clothes back from Sirius as she passed him.

Sirius was fuming.

*.*.*

'So … the prank failed?' Remus asked tentatively, almost hopefully, as he watched James and Sirius sink lower in their armchairs, the former staring thoughtfully into the fireplace.

'Yes,' snapped Sirius. 'Hope you're happy.'

'Well, it was a nasty prank, anyway,' said Remus defensively.

'I guess,' said Sirius lightly. 'Have you noticed those witches _turned mine and James's hair green_?'

'No, not at all,' Remus replied, getting somewhat fed up of Sirius's behaviour.

'We have to think of a prank better than that,' Peter said quickly.

'Well done, Captain Obvious,' Sirius said snappishly.

Peter shrunk slightly.

Remus shook his head at his friends and said, 'Look at what this prank war is doing to us!'

'We're _The. Marauders_,' said James slowly. 'We shouldn't be struggling this much with coming up with a prank. It's like we have pranksters' block or something.'

'… Does such a thing exist?' Peter dared to ask.

'Evidently,' James answered, not unkindly.

'I think we're thinking about this too hard,' said Remus thoughtfully. 'We're trying to think up the _best_ pranks that we're forgetting about the classics.'

'Like what?' Sirius asked curiously.

'Like … remember that time we Disillusioned a cushion which would set off fireworks when it was sat on? What were they called? … Dr Filibuster's Catherine Wheel Cushions.'

The other three turned to look at Remus as if he was a genius.

*.*.*

The next day, a Sunday, was the perfect day for the prank to be pulled. Remus and Peter woke up bright and early and sat in the common room playing Wizards Chess against each other; Remus, surprisingly, was losing – he hadn't gotten much sleep the previous night, so this could have been why. But his mind was somewhere else, as well; he was keeping an eye out for the girls to leave their dormitory and make their way down to the Great Hall for breakfast.

James and Sirius had already left the Gryffindor common room; the former was under his Invisibility Cloak, holding a good few Catherine Wheel Cushions in his arm and waiting eagerly for the girls to show up, and the latter was loafing around in the Entrance Hall, conversing amiably to everyone and anyone who would pass him.

It wasn't long before Emmeline, Lily, Mary and Rosina appeared at the very top of the stairs which led to the girls' dormitory. Remus and Peter tried not staring at them, so as not to give away any hints of an upcoming prank through their facial expressions. They merely said 'hi' to them as they passed on their way out of the common room through the Fat Lady's portrait. The girls nodded good-naturedly at Peter and Remus, and left, not suspecting a thing.

Peter hastily assumed his rat form and ran through the portrait hole as the Fat Lady swung shut; he managed to get through just in time. Unseen, he managed to scuttle down the many floors of the castle, and eventually arrived at the Entrance Hall. Sirius was speaking to Hagrid at the time, telling a few jokes of sorts; Hagrid would often chuckle with laughter, his face lighting up with warmth.

'Yeh gonna get yehself in'o a lotta trouble one o' these days,' Hagrid said in a light warning tone. 'Betta watch out fer yehself, Sirius.'

'They can't catch a pro,' said Sirius arrogantly, his casual grin making his face look handsomer.

'Tha's wha' they all say until they get caugh', tha' is,' said Hagrid, chuckling. 'Well, I'll see yeh 'round, Sirius,' he added, as he started making his way out of the Entrance Hall.

'Until next time, Hagrid.' Sirius called after him.

It was then that he noticed the little rat scurrying around wildly at his feet. Sirius's excitement rekindled after moments of having to hang around in the ratherdesolate Entrance Hall. He waited a few minutes until he saw the four girls.

He called loudly to them, 'I like your shoe laces!'

The four girls looked down at their feet; none of them were wearing shoes which required laces. Emmeline blinked, expressing the others' confusion.

'I like your hair!' Lily called back, and the other three burst into peals of laughter.

'Must have forgotten to take his medication again,' Rosina muttered as they passed him on their way to the Great Hall.

James was fully alert. He heard Sirius's signal and laid the Disillusioned Catherine Wheel Cushions along the benches of the Gryffindor table where the girls normally sat as they had breakfast.

The Hall was considerably fuller than it had been when the two Marauders had arrived there that morning; most of the students were sat on the Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw tables. There were enough people in the Hall for the prank to be talked about and spread around the entire school before lunchtime. This pleased James. There were even a few teachers sat chatting to each other whilst enjoying their breakfast.

Finally, the girls were within earshot; James could hear them giggling and making fun of Sirius. He tried to ignore them. He walked up along to the doors of the Great Hall and took off his Cloak, standing beside Peter and Sirius. James stared somewhat maliciously as they were about to take their seats – he felt he reserved the right to, after what they did to his hair.

Emmeline was going to be the first to sit down. James held his breath, but Mary prevented Emmeline from sitting down by calling her name.

'_Hold it_,' Mary said demandingly. 'Emmeline, that skirt is way too short. Pull it down just a little bit.'

'_Mary_,' whispered Emmeline, looking around her to see if anyone had heard, 'you don't say those kinds of things in the _Great Hall_.'

James rolled his eyes and impatiently thought, '_Just get on with it'_

Emmeline did as she was told, while Mary, Lily and Rosina sat down.

It was better than James, Peter and Sirius had expected it to be. (Remus had opted out of watching this one.)

Almost as soon as they sat down, fireworks erupted from what appeared to be their bottoms. Great sparks shot upwards towards the ceiling of the Hall and erupted, covering the ceiling – this morning a dull grey to match the sky outside – with sparks as colourful as the rainbow. Peter took a mental note of all the colours and shades he could see: violet, indigo, scarlet, maroon, yellow, dark blue, sky blue, pea green, ivory … they looked beautiful as they faded and ceased to exist.

The four Gryffindor girls screamed loudly and jumped back up, Emmeline and Mary holding each other tightly; the bang of the fireworks seemed to have scared them. Lily's jaw dropped as comprehension dawned on her face, and Rosina looked as wild and confused as ever.

The onlookers weren't sure if they were supposed to be awestruck, confused or laughing; there were mixed reactions. Most of the Slytherins burst into laughter, as did the Hufflepuffs. The teachers looked as if they were trying to hide their amusement. They felt as though they should take some action, but they weren't quite sure what just happened.

'Did you guys just _fart fireworks_?' a Hufflepuff boy in his sixth-year said, guffawing.

'No!' said Mary defensively, her cheeks a bright shade of red, as she quickly let go off Emmeline and recomposed herself, although she, too, wasn't sure of what just happened. 'Of course not!'

Lily, meanwhile, had her eyes narrowed and fixed on James, Peter and Sirius, who were struggling to support themselves as they laughed – Sirius was almost on all fours, roaring with laughter. They had finally got their own back on the girls.

* * *

_Excerpt of the next chapter:_

'It was over a week of torture, sheer torture, when an angel came down to the two girls in the form of Peter Pettigrew. He approached them nervously in the common room, unsure of how to go about what he was going to do.'


	7. Witches vs Wizards - Part III

– Chapter Seven –

~ Witches vs Wizards ~

_Part III: The Final Showdown_

'_You should have heard that Hufflepuff, Moony_,' said Sirius cheerfully, as he plopped into his favourite armchair in the Gryffindor common room, his legs stretched out onto a footstool as close to the roaring fireplace as if could be. 'He turned to Mary, all, "_Did you just fart fireworks_?" FART. FIREWORKS. I have never _ever_ heard anything so ridiculously hilarious in my entire _life_. You're right; Dr Filibuster's Catherine Wheel Cushions are a _classic_.'

Remus merely smiled politely in response as he looked up from the Transfiguration essay he was working on. He wasn't going to point out that this was approximately the millionth time Sirius had recounted the tale of The Prank of the Great Hall, Winter 1974 to him – he had been going on about it all day, in a loud voice, as well, so anyone nearby could hear. Sirius didn't like not being able to take credit for a prank he played a big part in.

Lily and Mary were infuriated that the Marauders managed to prank them back, although they weren't sure why they were surprised – they were the Marauders, renowned pranksters of Hogwarts, after all. They shouldn't have expected anything else. And the prank itself was quite impressive. Emmeline and Rosina, together, dropped out of the prank war – they had already had enough. So the girls were down to three: Alison Taylor, Lily Evans and Mary McDonald. Alison was extremely nervous after the incident in the Great Hall, but Lily and Mary persuaded her out of dropping out – if she did, they would lose the prank war as the majority of the group would have withdrawn from the prank war. In private, Lily and Mary would discuss tactics about how to keep Alison motivated, as they were sure that, if they were to be let down, it would be Alison who did so.

The girls spent more of their time planning possible pranks rather than studying, as sure sign that they were becoming obsessed. But neither Emmeline nor Rosina attempted to show them this, for they knew Lily and Mary were motivated by rage and revenge. They two girls would stay up late at night, speaking in hushed voices, trying to formulate a plan that would catch the Marauders off-guard. But that was their problem – they never were off-guard. They were always ready, even Peter, who was often thought of as the slowest one in the group.

Lily and Mary had tried several pranks. They had even attempted a classic – hoisting the Marauders in the air upside-down by their ankles. This spell required no speaking, so they shouldn't have seen it coming. But, somehow, they did, and they could wordlessly counter-jinx it. Lily was beginning to feel the strain of the work she was falling behind on and the late nights she and Mary spent planning.

The Marauders, meanwhile, were very relaxed. Being on-guard for pranks was second nature to them; they could do it with their eyes closed and their hands tied behind their backs. After their first great prank, their next few pranks took little planning. They would even carry out pranks separately. James insisted that their "pranksters' block" had gone away.

They would do very small things, such as temporarily changing the girls' hair colour. James turned Lily's hair a salmon colour which vividly reminded her of the sister she despised. Sirius Confunded Mary so that she believed there were real live ducks flying around her head, quacking loudly. The poor girl spent the entire night in bed with her pillow over her head, waiting for the ducks to go away. She was fuming by morning and swore to get herself together long enough to make the Marauders wish they were never born.

It was over a week of torture, sheer torture, a week of itching powder on toilet seats and laughing gas seeping through dormitory vents, when an angel came down to the two girls in the form of Peter Pettigrew. He approached them nervously in the common room, unsure of how to go about what he was going to do.

He tapped Lily's shoulder gently, and she jumped from her seat and onto her feet, looking around her, fully alert. She then saw it was only Peter and sat back down again, but didn't relax.

'What do you want?' she asked him.

'I – I wanted to help you two,' Peter squeaked nervously.

'Why?' Mary questioned suspiciously – she didn't trust him one bit.

'I – I feel bad for you,' he stuttered. 'The others have been quite merciless. But I can give you information about a _really_ big prank they are going to pull on you tomorrow. Only, don't tell them I told you, or I'll be dead. And I'm not exaggerating. Sirius will –'

'Okay, okay, get straight to it,' Lily cut across impatiently, keen to hear what great prank the other three Marauders will be trying to pull.

'They're planning something,' Peter said in a hushed voice, 'something big.'

'We figured out that much for ourselves,' Mary snapped; the tension appeared to be taking a toll on her stress levels.

'Well …' Peter whispered, looking around himself to make sure no one was listening in, 'the other three are planning … to do something before the Christmas holiday – a way of ending the school term. But … I really shouldn't be telling you about this … it's … it's … I should probably just go –'

'Don't be such a tease, Pettigrew,' said Lily sharply. 'You've already told us something's going to happen, you might as well tell us what that something is before we force it out of you.'

Peter appeared startled by the sharp tone Lily had adopted, 'They're going to spike the Christmas lunch on the second to last day of term,' Peter blurted.

'They _what_?' Mary said in a hushed voice, full of apparent disbelief.

'They're going to spike the –' he started again.

'We heard you first time,' snapped Lily. 'What with? Why are you telling us?'

'I told you,' Peter squeaked, still looking around him as if expecting people to be listening in. 'I feel bad for you. And this is a _huge _prank. It's going to affect the whole school. Someone has to put a stop to it – James, Remus and Sirius are going too far this time.'

Lily stared shrewdly at Peter, as if deciding whether or not to trust him. Logic told her she shouldn't, but her instincts told her otherwise. Maybe she would regret this … but what if – what _if_ – Peter was telling the truth? She and Mary could save the whole school from subjection to a potion that will make everyone sneeze silly string.

'Tell me everything, Pettigrew,' Lily said eventually.

And so Peter told them as much as he knew about the prank the other three Marauders were planning to pull.

*.*.*

It was the day before Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry was to break up for the Christmas holidays. There was indeed a festive cheer among students and teachers alike – almost magical, one might say. Holly wreaths and mistletoes hung in certain places around the whole school, mistletoes which Remus would keenly avoid, and James and Sirius would eagerly seek out.

The days before had passed with feather light pranks being thrown back and forth between the Marauders and their prank opponents. The Marauders seemed too relaxed by the approaching of Christmas to pull any large pranks, and Mary and Lily were trying to make sure they survived any of the Marauders' pranks long enough to expose them for the big one that was to happen today.

Peter had instructed the two girls to sit and wait in the kitchens amongst the House-elves until James, Sirius and Remus arrived. They did this only too keenly – neither had been to the kitchens before. Now that Lily came to think about it, she realised she didn't _know_ anyone besides the Marauders who had ever been in the kitchens.

Once they had gotten down to the kitchens, Lily and Mary both sat on the tiny House-elf sized stools, occasionally accepting teacakes and biscuits the House-elves offered them so kindly.

'How much longer until they get down here?'

'They shouldn't be much longer, Lil,' Mary replied doubtfully, taking another fat teacake from the platter one of the House-elves had handed to them and taking a large bite out of it.

'How many of those are you going to eat?' Lily said scornfully, staring with judgemental eyes.

'Whaaat?' Mary said defensively, shrugging, spraying Lily with cake crumbs. 'They're really tasty!'

Lily merely rolled her eyes and started tapping her foot impatiently. They had to be here any moment …

'Try one!' Mary insisted, shoving a platter of biscuits in Lily's face.

Lily took a teacake simply so Mary would take the platter away from her face. Slowly, she took a bite, as if expecting it to be poisoned; she found she quite liked the taste though. It was sweet, but not sickly, and this one was very chocolatey – her favourite. She took another couple more teacakes while she waited for the boys to show up.

The two girls had to wait another few minutes before James, Remus and Sirius arrived – accompanied by a very frightened and shaking Peter. James and Sirius had broad grins on their faces.

'How much did they eat?' James asked the nearest House-elf.

'A substantial amount,' the House-elf squeaked, unsure of whether he was supposed to be smiling or not.

'Exxxxxcellent,' said Sirius in the most evil voice he could muster without really trying.

Lily blinked, but realisation had dawned on Mary; the Marauders could see it clearly on her face; her eyes were as wide as Galleons, and her mouth was curved to make the perfect 'o'.

'_What did you do to the food_?' Mary demanded vehemently.

'The _real_ question, Mary McDonald,' Sirius responded, 'is why you ate them.'

'DON'T play games with me,' said Mary viciously. 'WHAT DID YOU DO?'

Well –' Sirius grinned, but Mary had had enough of his "games".

She whipped out her wand in a flash and jabbed it at Sirius's neck, the most threatening look on her face. Through gritted teeth, she said slowly, 'What did you do?'

Sirius gulped. He knew Mary to be a very capable witch and was well aware of the fact that she had an extensive knowledge of unpleasant jinxes and hexes. He lifted his hands up in a form or surrender when James pushed Sirius aside gently.

'You should be seeing the effects sooner or later,' James said casually.

Mary lowered her wand upon Lily's say-so, but the contempt was still clear in her eyes. She made to speak; she had opened her mouth and looked as if she may say something, but, although her lips moved, no sound came out.

Mary looked alarmed and Lily perplexed. Mary tried to speak again, but instead, a tiny _cheep_ came out. And then another one. And another one. And another one.

And before either witch knew what was happening, diminutive birds of a bright green shade began fluttering gracefully out of Mary's mouth. Horrified, the girl clamped her mouth tightly and put her hands over them; the sounds stopped and the birds had disappeared through the door that Peter had left open.

Lily turned to look furiously at the Marauders. Her glare fell on Peter.

'_You_,' she spat. 'You _traitor_. _We thought you were our friend_. And you _betrayed_ us.'

Peter hid behind Remus, clinging tightly to his sweater; the latter simply patted his friend in what he tried to make comforting, but the truth of the matter was that he was quite amused at the outcome of this prank war.

'We told him to,' James grinned. 'It was so easy for you to fall for him.'

'You never trust Peter,' Sirius said comically, 'he's a rat.'

James, Remus and Sirius all flashed grins at each other, as if enjoying a private joke.

'So what's gonna happen to me?' Lily asked, a hint of desperation in her voice. 'Are weird green birds going to come out of my mouth as well, huh? And when will Mary be back to normal?'

James and Sirius looked at each other, the lights in their eyes dancing with amusement.

'Wait for it,' was all Sirius said to her, much to her irritation.

Mary opened her mouth again and a few tiny frogs leapt off the very tip of her tongue. She quickly clamped her mouth shut again and screamed.

Lily hurriedly rushed to the nearest empty sink, turned the tap on and began wildly washing her tongue, as if this was going to improve her situation; James and Sirius merely guffawed. Even Peter cracked a smile.

Lily hunched over the sink, her body shuddering as if she was being sick. But James and Sirius watched creatures of all sorts make their way out of her mouth – slugs and snails, canaries and other feathery creatures. They watched with amusement and glee as their prank began to take its effects. This would be the end of the prank war.

Lily swung on her foot angrily. 'BLACK. POTTER.'

A couple of frogs leapt out of her mouth in the few seconds she had her mouth open.

James looked at her innocently. 'You're the one who thought it would be a good idea to get into a prank war with us!'

She glared at them, keeping her mouth closed tightly.

'Do you forfeit?' Sirius questioned, a smirk on his face.

'THERE IS NO WAY I AM GOING TO –' Another snail slid slowly off of her tongue as she spoke. Her face changed to a noticeable shade of green.

'Are you sure about that?' James raised his eyebrows in a way that made Lily feel patronised and inferior.

'EURGH,' Lily cried out. 'FINE. YOU GUYS W –'

Yet another frog leapt out of her mouth and fell onto the floor with a loud _SPLAT_. The mess was cleaned up quickly by a House-elf.

'You win,' Lily said, her voice shaking slightly. 'Undo this. Undo it.'

Remus slipped out a tiny bottle from underneath his cloak. The content didn't look remotely safe to eat, but, as he handed the bottle to Lily, he encouraged her to take it, assuring her that just a few drops would do. Unlike Peter, Lily knew she could trust Remus.

And, sure enough, she found herself only coughing out bright yellow feathers after a few minutes, which went away eventually. She gave what was left in the vial to Mary, who took it gratefully.

That evening at dinner time, James and Sirius were loudly recounting the scene in the kitchens to anyone on the Gryffindor table who would listen – which was a lot of people, seeing as they were Marauders after all, and the two had a knack for telling stories in an amusing way. They would mime, use hand gestures, and roar with laughter as a queue for when all of the listeners were supposed to laugh. They were even joined by some Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws who were eager to hear what they had to say.

The main course came and went, and it was dessert time. The platters of chicken nuggets and buffalo wings were replaced by mountains of jelly in a variety of flavours, large teacakes and an assortment of biscuits – chocolate, cream, it was all there.

The size of the crowd slowly reduced and Sirius and James were left to have dessert in peace, still guffawing over the day's events. Sirius almost choked on his spoonful of jelly as James pulled a rather constipated-looking face which is apparently was a 'perfect imitation of Evans's face'.

But then moments later, a hush fell upon everyone in the Great Hall. Some carried on talking until they realised something was wrong.

A Ravenclaw boy began gagging loudly and all heads turned to him. He stood up, clutching his stomach and – much to everyone's surprise – a frog leapt out of his mouth and onto the floor.

Several girls screamed loudly as a Slytherin in his fourth-year did the same. And suddenly, the majority of the students began coughing up small creatures – a Hufflepuff girl was screaming about cricket germs on her tongue.

James and Sirius slowly slumped in their seats, as though hoping they would not get noticed. They would all know who to blame when this fiasco was over – and when they did, the Marauders would have to run, run as fast as they can.

Remus nervously bit his lip as though trying to hide a smile upon the sight of the new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher clinging to the edge of the teachers' table trying not to throw up frogs and slugs and snails like several others. He knew he wasn't supposed to find it funny but –

'I guess if we're gonna get in trouble,' Peter squeaked, 'we should enjoy this as much as we can now.'

'James, didn't I tell you to throw away all the contaminated food?' Remus asked. 'Or did I forget?'

'No, no, you remembered,' James replied in a small voice, sinking lower. 'I was the one who forgot.'

'Ever the wise one,' said Remus darkly, his lips twitching into a near-smile.

James and Sirius accepted responsibility for the entire prank. McGonagall gave them detention every evening of the weekday until the end of the school year – so it was the girls who really had the last laugh.

* * *

**A/N: YOU GUYS HAVE NO IDEA HOW HARD WRITING THIS CHAPTER WAS. WHY, OH WHY, IS IT SO HARD IT COME UP WITH PRANK IDEAS? HUH? HUH?**

**Apologies for the long wait – I was on holiday and gahhh it was so hard to write.**

**Hope you enjoyed it anyway!** **I know it's really lame and suckish, but … IT WAS SO HARD TO WRITE. Please forgive me this one time. I'll try harder in the future, honest.**


	8. The Creation

– Chapter Eight –

~ The Creation ~

The summer sun was still quite high in the sky, beating down on all of the students, most of whom were finished studying for the exams for the year. Those students were celebrating by relaxing, taking a swim in the lake with their friends, and staying as far away from the library as they possibly could, for the finishing of exams meant no more studying, and no more studying translated to –

'I am so bored,' Sirius grunted.

The Marauders, unlike other students, were stuck inside the Gryffindor common room, where it was sweltering hot, despite the fact that their OWLs were over. Sunlight of a large intensity would pour itself in through the large windows, making the tower even warmer than usual.

'This sucks,' Sirius continued. He leant forward in his chair so he was leaning over the round table with his chin resting on his arms.

The four friends were confined in the Gryffindor common room, because they had to keep a low profile since their adventure last night on the full moon. James, Peter and Sirius had gotten caught by McGonagall whilst sneaking out onto the grounds – they had neither seen nor heard her coming, how were they supposed to know she was lurking by the Entrance Hall?

'Nothing we can do, mate,' said James sympathetically, patting Sirius's shoulder.

He leaned backwards in his chair, sighing heavily and impatiently. He didn't like being trapped.

'We need a map,' said Remus irritably. 'We need something to tell us where people are. That way, we won't get caught.'

'What – like a magical map?' Peter asked in a high-pitched voice.

'Yes!' Remus answered, gaining some vigour. 'A magical map which can locate places and people … I think that would be perfect.'

Sirius ignored the two of them, but James's eyes opened a little wider with curiosity and interest.

'That's not a bad idea, actually,' said James fairly.

'You really think so?' Peter inquired, feeling rather complimented.

'Yeah!' James leaned over the arm of his chair to reach his bag. He pulled out a pot of ink, a long quill and a scrap bit of parchment. 'Let's have some ideas what this supposed map should have. Come on, boys. Let's brainstorm.' Clearly, he was desperate for something to do, even if it wasn't very productive.

'Well … the map has to tell us where places and people are,' Remus said slowly.

James began scribbling things down in bullet points; Sirius offered his support by rolling his eyes and making rude, impatient noises.

'Yes,' Peter agreed. 'It can tell us where all of the secret passages we've discovered are.'

'Mhm, mhm …' James murmured as he continued scribbling. 'Wait – these passages are for us only. No one else is allowed to know about them, or else they won't be so secret anymore. Maybe we should have a password for this map so that no one else can read it.'

'What should the password be?' Remus asked, more to himself than the others. 'Pineapples? Something simple that no one would guess.'

'How about something _complex_ that no one would guess?' James shot back excitedly, his eyes gleaming behind his dark-framed glasses.

'I solemnly swear _this_ is the stupidest thing ever,' Sirius muttered under his breath, sitting back in his seat.

'I solemnly swear …' James repeated slowly, '… that I'm up to no good. How does that sound? It's us and it's complex, no one would guess it. I mean, how many people would tap a piece of parchment and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"?'

'You're right,' Remus said fervently, nodding. 'That's a good password.'

Sirius rolled his eyes again and began drumming his fingers impatiently on the table.

'Have you got something you'd like to say, Sirius?' asked Remus pleasantly.

'This is stupid,' he snorted. 'How do you propose to keep _track_ of everyone everywhere in this great castle?'

Remus gasped and sat bolt upright as though he had just received an electric shock. 'I know!' he breathed. 'The Homonculous Charm!'

'That sounds great!' Peter squeaked. '… What's that again?'

Remus smiled kindly at him. 'Flitwick mentioned it briefly in Charms a few weeks ago. I told myself I would do some research on it because I thought it sounded intriguing, but I kept forgetting …'

'So – this charm,' said James slowly, trying to keep the conversation on track, 'what does it do?'

'To be precise,' Remus began, 'it tracks the movement of every person in a mapped area. So … if we draw the map and cast this Charm on it, it'll tell us where everyone in Hogwarts is.'

'That is perfect,' James commented, breathless with excitement. 'What's the Charm?'

Remus hesitated. 'Well … it's a bit more complex than that. The Charm itself is quite advanced … we'll probably have to go to the library to do some research on it … but I'm sure we'll get there eventually!' he added hopefully.

Sirius grunted again, very discouragingly. 'Can't do the Charm …'

The other three ignored him.

'Peter, you're quite good at drawing,' said Remus mildly. 'Why don't you draw out the map?'

'H – how?' he asked, frightened.

'Try drawing every floor of Hogwarts – every tower, every passageway, everything – from a bird's eye view,' James prompted. 'That way we can see everything, and it'll be quite easy for you to draw, Wormtail.'

'Excellent idea,' Remus piped up, 'and James and I can read up on the Homonculous Charm to find out more about it.'

'What can I do?' Sirius asked in a small voice.

James bit back a grin – he knew Sirius would come around eventually.

'You can think about more ideas of things to have on the map,' said Remus kindly.

Sirius shrugged and took James's parchment and quill away from him, scribbling away instantly. James looked over his shoulder, squinted, and slowly read, 'Anti-Snivellus jinx … not too bad. Why didn't I think of that? And … what does that say? A t –'

'A title page,' Sirius finished. 'Like an introductory page. A brief one that comes up when someone unlocks the map. What should the lock for the map be? The thing we say before it goes blank?'

'I … solemnly swear I'm … done being up to no good?' Remus suggested.

James shook his head, grinning. 'What you mean is "Mischief managed".'

'Perfect,' Sirius said devilishly, writing away some more. '"Mischief managed" is perfect. It's nice and short so we can quickly tap the map clean if anyone approaches us.'

'So what's going to be on the title page?' James inquired.

Sirius shrugged. 'I guess our names and something along the lines of … "this is our map"?'

'What about …' said James slowly, trying to keep up with his racing thoughts, 'our nicknames … and then something about how we're proud to … present this map?'

'Our nicknames in reverse alphabetical order?' Peter piped up hopefully.

Remus's face fell the slightest bit as he feigned intense interest in his shoes.

'Nice try, Wormtail,' James grinned, noticing this. 'But Moony should be first, the map was his idea. Your name can come second though! I mean, you're drawing the whole thing out, that's amazing. And then Sirius's name, and then mine.'

'Why in that order?' Sirius asked, staring at his friend suspiciously.

'Padfoot and Prongs sounds better than Prongs and Padfoot,' said James nonchalantly.

Sirius grinned. 'You're right, it does.'

As they didn't have very much else to do, the Marauders were able to get cracking with their research and design of the map they believe would aid them greatly in their mischief making. James and Remus scoured Madam Pince's library for all the books they could find to help them carry out the complex Charm Professor Flitwick had mentioned so many weeks ago. Peter was busy designing and sketching out the map, with a bit of help from Sirius and James, the former who was also busy casting all of the minor Charms on the map. It was a great way to pass all of the time they had until the end of school.

It was all coming together the morning before the end-of-year banquet. The four had been up all night in the dormitory, keeping their voices hushed due to the other poor Gryffindor in their dormitory who was trying to sleep. They had all the candles lit, trying to figure out this one parchment.

'So we should have the introductory picture thing first,' James muttered distractedly under his breath, pulling out the piece of parchment on which Peter, with a little help from Remus, drew the initial "welcome" message, and had an intricate design of the castle on the front.

It read:

"Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs  
Purveyors of Aids to Magical Mischief-Makers  
are proud to present  
THE MARAUDER'S MAP"

Remus and James murmured an incantation under their breaths and simultaneously tapped the parchment. The words disappeared completely.

Sirius then rifled through the pile of parchment and pulled out several bits of it, all of which had bland outlines which appeared to be upside down. All four of them got their wands at the ready and quietly murmured at the parchment before giving their wands a little flick. All of the bits of parchment appeared to disappear into one. A few more charms later saw to its full creation.

The four stayed sat in their seats, admiring their handiwork. It was Sirius who wanted to try it first.

'I solemnly I swear that I'm up to no good,' Sirius said quietly, his voice shaking somewhat with excitement.

He tapped the folded up bit of parchment, and almost instantly, Peter and Remus's drawing appeared along with the words Peter had etched previously. Remus looked down at it with a faint and rare hint of pride.

James began unfolding the parchment to reveal how huge it was. The drawings were quite detailed, with minuscule name labels above moving dots, which revealed where people were. Now they would always be aware of anyone who was approaching them.

The map even showed them all of the secret passageways and how to enter them, the entrances to all of the common rooms and the kitchens. This was amazing, the best pranksters' tool they could have ever produced.

'The Marauders Map,' James breathed, marvelling at their creation. 'We've finally done it.'

'I want it,' said Peter, snatching the Map.

'No, I want it,' Sirius argued, taking it from him and staring at it.

'I'm most likely to produce offspring,' James said casually, 'and therefore will have someone to pass it on to, thus meaning we can pass it on down the line of pranksters. So – I should have it.'

He took it from Sirius and clutched it to himself.

'Well …' Remus began, seeming quite aloof, 'I'm the least foolhardy, aren't I? This means I'm the least likely to get it confiscated. So perhaps it'll be safest with me.'

He lifted up his wand and prised the Map from James's grasp.

'So … er …' James started, clearing out his throat, 'we have a bit of a problem.'

'Yeah …' Sirius mumbled, 'it seems we do.'

'Rock, paper, scissors?' Peter suggested.

'One, two, three, GO,' James said.

Remus looked around at all of their hands. Besides Peter's, they were all balled into fists.

'Round two?' Remus asked doubtfully.

'This is stupid,' James muttered. 'We're friends. We've _been_ friends for a good few years now. We should be able to sort this out in a mature, respectable manner.'

'So … round two?' Sirius repeated.

'Sure,' James replied. 'One, two, three, GO.'

This time, James and Sirius had chosen rock again, and Remus had picked scissors.

'I thought you guys would choose paper this time,' said Remus in a defeated voice.

James and Sirius merely stared at each other with narrowed eyes. Of course those two would be the last two standing, and they were both as stubborn as each other, so really, this wasn't going to end well.

'How do we sort this out?' Remus asked, cutting the tension slightly. 'Round three?'

James shook his head. 'This is getting tedious. How about … whoever can down a bottle of Butterbeer first.'

'Where do we get Butterbeer from?' Peter asked.

James merely winked at him while Sirius got out two bottles of Butterbeer from underneath his bed. He unstopped both of the bottles and gave one to James, who clasped it tightly as though it were his lifeline.

Remus counted them in. 'One, two … THREE.'

James and Sirius began chug, chug, chugging, their Butterbeer sometimes trickling down their chins and onto their clothes. James slammed his empty bottle of Butterbeer on the table first.

'Ha!' he exclaimed as quietly as he could.

Sirius put his bottle down and bitterly wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.

'This is a stupid idea anyway,' Sirius muttered. 'I wanted round three of rock, paper, scissors.'

'I win,' James chimed gleefully, taking the Map. 'Rightfully so, it'd be safest with me.'

'This isn't fair,' muttered Sirius.

'All's fair in love and war,' James said, winking.

'This isn't any of either!' Sirius exclaimed.

James sighed to himself. Deep down, he could tell this wasn't fair on his friends who had been working almost as hard as him for the Map to come into being. James picked up his wand from the table and directed it at the floor.

'_Diffindo_,' he muttered confidently, giving his wand a weak wave.

A few small cracks appeared on the stone floor and debris flew in all sorts of directions, hitting the walls and furniture.

'James, what are you –' Remus began.

James lifted up a piece of the stone floor to reveal darkness underneath it. He grabbed the map and put it in the little hole he made before putting the fragment of stone floor over it again.

'There,' he said finally, 'it'll be safe here and it's easily accessible so anyone who wants it can get it. As long as it's returned to this spot. Maybe we can leave it here for potential Marauders to find when we've left Hogwarts. Whatever happens, the Map now has a home. Happy?'

The other three nodded, and from that moment on, the darkness underneath the stone block became the home of the Marauder's Map, their nicknames became more official, and the bonds between them strengthened. They were officially the Marauders, and they were invincible.

'ARE YOU NUISANCES QUITE FINISHED?' their fellow Gryffindor bellowed, throwing a pillow in their direction which hit Sirius squarely on the back of his head. 'I – AM TRYING – TO SLEEP.'

'Who's idea was it to do this so late at night?' Sirius muttered, annoyed, rubbing the back of his head.

'James's,' said Remus flatly. 'No one else would be wise enough to suggest we put together our masterpiece together at this time of the night.'


	9. Remus's Secret

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**WARNING: Pottermore spoilers. If you haven't finished PoA of Pottermore, go now!**

* * *

- Chapter Nine -

~ Remus's Secret ~

Remus Lupin had a secret, one that he never dared tell a soul, not one he felt he could even talk about to those who were fully aware of his secret. Remus John Lupin had a secret he would take to the grave, a secret bigger than his love for chocolate which Sirius had deemed feminine, and made fun of him for it for a solid week. No, much bigger than that. Remus had a secret that well and truly separated himself from the other children whom he attended Hogwarts with. Since he was a young child, Remus was unable to play with the other children for this very reason.

For Remus Lupin was a werewolf.

There were many rumours circulating werewolves, including that, when bitten, werewolves are drained of conscience and can no longer think or feel adequately, that they become bloodthirsty whatever time of the month it was, and should be confined for this reason. However, anyone who knew Remus was fully aware that he was as harmless as a Flobberworm. Nonetheless, Remus kept his secret to himself, just as his parents had kept him to themselves, from fear that they would all suffer exclusion from the wizarding community; it was difficult enough having to manage the young boy's lycanthropy let alone having other people deliberately avoid the family and gossip about them constantly. No, Remus was much used to being closeted his entire life, and he regarded himself a fool for assuming that being accepted into Hogwarts would change that. Whilst he was more than grateful for the company and acceptance of his three best friends, Remus often felt wracked with guilt that he was deceiving them, leading them on, making them believe he was something he wasn't really. Like his father before him, Remus was quite a shy, sensitive person who emanated an air of low self-esteem, often hidden by a gentle sort of kindness.

On this day in particular, a twelve-year-old Remus was anxiously eating his breakfast in the Great Hall by himself. His face looked pale and pasty, and the bags under his eyes were a deep shade of purple, letting on just how sleep-deprived the poor boy was. Tonight was another full moon; it didn't matter how many full moons went by, he would always dread them: what was once so breathtakingly beautiful was now a curse, and a horrifying one.

Remus attempted to distract himself from his thoughts. He concentrated on the toast he was trying to chew and swallow down: it was tasteless, but he knew he had to eat nonetheless. Transforming on an empty stomach was by far worse than transforming on a somewhat full stomach.

Before Remus could finish his breakfast, he found himself in the company of his three closest friends at Hogwarts – Sirius Black, James Potter and Peter Pettigrew. James dropped carelessly into the seat next to him, and Peter and Sirius opposite him.

'You woke up early today, Remus,' James said casually, grabbing himself some bread and spreading raspberry jam onto it.

'Couldn't sleep,' Remus replied, managing a small smile.

'Yeah … dead silence is so hard to sleep through,' Sirius commented sarcastically.

'Well, you know …' said Remus awkwardly, clearing his throat.

'You look pale today,' said Peter quizzically. 'Are you feeling okay?'

'Y – yeah!' said Remus. 'I'm feeling fine! Actually – I want some air. Air. I want to go out and get some fresh air.'

'Remus, buddy –' Sirius began, but their friend had already gotten up and had swiftly left the Great Hall, accidentally bumping into a couple of first-year Hufflepuff girls on his way.

'That went well,' said James darkly, biting into the sandwich he had made.

'We should have been direct,' said Sirius bitterly.

'That would have startled him,' said Peter, helping himself to some pumpkin juice.

'Well, what do we do now?' Sirius asked. 'Do we go after him or what?'

'I say we give him a few moments to himself,' James said eventually, 'before we tell him we figured out his secret.'

'And how exactly do we break it to him that we know he turns into a beast once a month?' Sirius said sardonically.

'Shh, Sirius!' Peter whispered, looking around to make sure no one was listening, but the Great Hall was quite empty.

'Not like that,' said James flatly. 'He's our friend, we have to be supportive of him.'

'I'm just irked he didn't tell us himself,' said Sirius irritably. 'I thought we were that close.'

'Would you have told us if you were a werewolf?' James shot back. 'Knowing full well how bigoted the Wizarding world is against werewolves?'

Sirius shrugged uncomfortably. 'But we're his _friends_. Of course we'd support him. I don't know what kind of friends wouldn't. In fact, even if he wasn't a friend, it's not like any of us need reassuring of his character – Remus Lupin, sweet, gentle Remus Lupin, everyone's friend. You'd have to be crazy to still be bigoted against werewolves after meeting him.'

'That's more like it,' said James, smiling. 'Now we just have to be like that to him.'

After breakfast, the three friends attempted to hunt Remus down to speak to him. They searched the grounds, but couldn't find him there. They then headed back upstairs to the common room, discussing tactics amongst themselves in whispers.

'Cauda Draconis,' Sirius said once they reached the Fat Lady's portrait.

The Fat Lady swung open for them to reveal the Gryffindor common room, which was more packed than when they had left for breakfast. James scanned the familiar faces, but could not find Remus.

'Where is he?' Sirius murmured to himself, scanning the crowd too. A small group of first-year girls were trying to catch his eye, but he took no notice, for now was the time for helping a friend.

'Let's try the dormitory,' said James, leading the way as he spoke.

'Why are first-years so annoying and when did we get so many of them?' said Sirius under his breath, pushing past a group who were in the way.

'We were first-years just last year, Sirius,' Peter reminded him.

'Yes, but we weren't that obnoxious and always in the way,' Sirius retorted, as they ascended the staircase to their dormitory.

'Well –' Peter began, but James cut him off.

'Sh,' he whispered, with his ear to the dormitory door, his hand on the door knob.

'What –?' Sirius said quietly.

James ignored him, straining his ears to hear through the wood. He thought he could hear muffled sobs, but hoped he was imagining it. He turned to his friends and put his index finger over his lips so that Peter and Sirius knew to be quiet. James then slowly turned the door knob and opened the door as silently as he could. The three tip-toed into the room and over to Remus's four-poster bed where he was curled into a ball, his face in his pillow, tears sliding down his face.

'Remus, buddy?' said Sirius in a small voice.

Startled by the unnoticed presence of his friends, Remus jumped slightly, turning to look at them, before hastily drying his eyes and wiping his cheeks.

'Oh, h-hi!' he squeaked. 'I – I didn't know you guys were there.' He finished rubbing his eyes before continuing. 'What's up?'

'Why were you crying?' Peter inquired bluntly.

'It's n-nothing,' Remus stuttered, trying to breathe properly. 'My m-mum's ill again and I have to go home to see her.'

'No, she's not,' said James softly. He sat himself down on Remus's bed and looked at his friend. 'She's not ill, your mum. Remus – we know the truth. We know your secret.'

Remus's bright green eyes widened with confusion and disbelief. How could they possibly know? Had Professor Dumbledore broken his promise and told everyone? What if –

'We figured it out ourselves,' said Sirius in the most solemn tone he could manage. 'It wasn't that obvious,' he added quickly, upon spotting the horror-struck expression on his friend's face. 'But I mean – we're close to you, so we do wonder where you go every month. I doubt anyone else is that bothered but, mate, we're your friends and –'

Sirius broke off, unsure of what he could say that wouldn't sound insincere.

'I think what Sirius is trying to say,' Peter said quietly, stepping forward, 'is that we're here for you no matter what. And this doesn't change a thing about our friendship. We'll always be here for you, Remus. You should have known that.'

'I just thought – I mean, my parents brought me up a secret,' Remus began, tears beginning to stream from his eyes again. 'They never told anyone about my condition – we moved from village to village whenever people started getting suspicious and – and we never made any friends, always stayed in seclusion because M-Mum and D-Dad thought it would be dangerous if anyone found out. So I just thought when I came here that anyone who knew the truth about me would desert me immediately. No one wants to be friends with a beast.

'All I've ever known is loneliness – I've never had any friends and Mum and Dad didn't think I'd get into Hogwarts but then P-Professor Dumbledore comes along and everything changes and I didn't want to ruin it by risking the only friendships I've ever had. The only friendships I've ever had.'

Remus's voice cracked and he buried his face in his hands to hide his tears. James, who had been listening thoughtfully, enveloped his friend in a tight one-armed hug.

'We're here for you now,' said James quietly, his voice tight with emotion. 'You don't have to be lonely anymore. Even if we weren't your friends, we would still be supporting you. No one should ever have to be so lonely, least of all someone as young as you, and for so many years.'

'Whether you like it or not,' Sirius started, sitting on the other side of Remus's bed, 'we're sticking with you. And you can't change that.'

'I wouldn't want to,' Remus said with a small laugh, wiping his face again. 'It's just been so hard growing up so lonely and – and now it feels like everything's going to be as close to okay as it can be.'

'It will be,' said Peter. 'We can make full moons better for you.'

'How?' Remus croaked.

'We'll figure that out at some point,' said James quickly. 'For now, just know that … you'll always have friends for as long as we're alive.'

Remus gave his friends a watery smile and, the next thing he knew, he was being sucked into a group hug initiated by Sirius.

'Sirius – you're squashing my face –' Peter said in a muffled voice, gasping for breath.

'Oops, sorry, Peter, my boy.'

And from that day on, Remus's belief that he had found friends for life was confirmed. Although he wasn't aware yet, he was to go on adventures he could only have dreamed of as a child on what was once his least favourite time of the month. His chest felt lighter after sharing his secret with his close friends, and, consequently, he felt a lot happier, for a burden shared is a burden halved, and he, Remus John Lupin, was glad his friends did him the honour of teaching him that.


	10. Seven Proposals

- Chapter Ten -

~ Seven Proposals ~

James had, as far as he could remember, proposed to Lily on seven different occasions. Each proposal brought about a different response to the one before, and each, however unwillingly, always made him smile.

**i.**

They were in second-year, and Lily was making jokes at the Gryffindor table while they were all having breakfast in the Great Hall. It was then, watching her laugh and simultaneously making everyone around her laugh, that James realised he had a crush on her.

Grinning, he turned to his friends and said in a boastful manner, 'I'm going to marry her someday.'

Sirius, who had turned to look where James had been looking, frowned at his friend. 'Mate, I think the McKinnon girl is a bit out of your league. I mean, if you _like_ older girls …'

James rolled his eyes. 'Not her, you idiot. I was talking about Evans.'

Peter, Remus and Sirius laughed loudly, Sirius slamming his goblet of pumpkin juice down on the table as he did so.

'Evans?!' he repeated. 'She's even _more_ out of your league, James.'

James shook his head, not fazed in the slightest. 'No, I'm sure we're meant to be together. I mean, we're so similar!'

'How so?' Peter inquired curiously.

'Well …' James began, sighing and staring dreamily into the distance, 'she's popular, like me, and quite good-looking … like me … and –'

It was then that he noticed his friends were shaking silently with laughter.

'What?!' James exclaimed indignantly. 'It's true!'

Sirius held up both his hands defensively, and said, still laughing slightly, 'Not questioning how accurate you are, mate. But _Evans_?'

James's jaw dropped in anger. He looked as though he was about to say something, and a very rude something, but Remus intervened: 'Okay, okay – if you think you and Lily are "meant to be",' he said quickly, 'why don't you go over there and prove it?'

'Prove – what – how?' James spluttered.

'Well, my mother says that two people who are meant to be,' Remus began explaining, 'always have a connection. You can see it, they get along like – like –'

'Like Dementors and happy memories,' Peter squeaked, before taking another bite out of his sandwich.

'Morbid,' Sirius commented under his breath.

'Point is,' Remus hurried on, 'they get along really well. Why don't you go over to Evans and show to us how well you get along with her?'

'Challenge accepted,' said James, narrowing his eyes and getting out of his seat.

Peter, Remus and Sirius watched him make his way over to where Lily and some of her friends were sitting. Upon laying their eyes on him, the laughter and chatter slowly died.

James stood their awkwardly, his hands in his pockets.

'Is there … something we can help you with?' piped up a blonde girl uncomfortably, whose name James didn't know.

'Er … marry me, Evans?'

He didn't know why he said it, but the words were out now. He ran a hand through his dishevelled hair, daring to still look at Lily although his cheeks were very red.

A few of her friends began sniggering, but Lily didn't, which lifted his spirit somewhat. She smiled at him and said, 'That's no way to ask out a lady.'

'It's … not?' said a very confused James.

'Why don't you go back to your seat and get something to drink?' she suggested, barely concealing a grin. 'You'll feel better afterwards.'

A couple of her friends laughed loudly, and James decided that was his cue to go back to his friends. When he sat down with them, he looked quite stunned as he surveyed his empty plate of food.

'What happened?' Remus asked.

'She didn't reply,' said James slowly, blinking rapidly. 'That means she didn't say no!'

'Mate,' said Sirius, reaching over James and grabbing some more toast, 'she didn't say yes either.'

'Yeah, but she didn't say _no_,' James clarified.

He looked quite perky as he helped himself to more breakfast. The other three didn't even try to discourage him.

**ii.**

A year later on Halloween found most students in third-year and above in the village of Hogsmeade, where they were set loose exploring. There was an air of excitement about the third-years upon reaching Hogsmeade, for most of them were there for the first time, Lily included.

'You _have_ to check out Honeydukes, Lily!' the four boys overhead a girl saying to the redhead. 'It's the _best_ sweetshop around by far.'

Sirius snorted. 'Honeydukes isn't that great,' he said under his breath. 'Their chocolate is awful. Far too chocolate-y. Sickly. Blegh.'

Remus looked very offended. 'Don't insult Honeydukes's chocolate! They help me cope with you lot.'

'You don't need help coping with us!' Peter exclaimed cheerfully, putting an arm around Remus's shoulder while Sirius ruffled his already messy hair.

Remus grinned.

James, meanwhile, was off in a world of his own, detached from the rest. He was only broken out of his reverie when Sirius pulled him to the side.

'Wh – what?' he stammered.

'You almost walked into a post, mate,' said Sirius.

'Where are your thoughts wandering off to this time, James?' Remus questioned, as they trudged through the high street.

'Not still on a certain redhead, right?' Sirius winked.

'Of course not!' said James. And then a moment later: 'Do you think I could woo her in Madam Puddifoot's?'

'Firstly, no guy has "wooed" a girl since the fifteenth century,' said Remus flatly. 'Secondly, absolutely _not_.'

'Why not?' James asked, sounding somewhat crestfallen, as if Remus had just foiled his plans.

'Well, I think that tea shop is popular with many girls …' he said slowly, 'but not with Lily. She doesn't even drink tea during the day.'

James turned to Remus while still walking, looking perplexed. 'How do you even know that?'

'Some of us try befriending people first instead of skipping a hundred or so steps,' said Remus jokingly.

It was then that James noticed Lily and some of her friends leaving a shop, laughing, as usual. Her hair caught in the chilly autumn wind and he watched her pull it back, a huge smile on her face.

'James, wai –'

With an almighty _thud_, James walked face-first into a post. He fell backwards onto the ground, groaning in pain, his glasses lost on the way. It was about a minute before he opened his eyes to see a blurred group sitting and standing around him.

'Are you all right, James?' came Remus's voice.

James could hear Sirius laughing and saying, 'Now that's what I call a _hit_,' somewhere nearby. He groaned again before mumbling, 'I think so.'

He felt someone hand him his glasses back and put them on clumsily. The group came into focus and James could see some of his fellow classmates.

'Are you okay there?' Lily asked, looking somewhat concerned. He was pleased to see she was one of the few kneeling to see if he was all right.

'Marry me, Evans?' James asked groggily.

'I think he hit his head really hard,' said Remus seriously.

'No, I think he's always like this,' Lily muttered under her breath, rolling her eyes, getting up and turning around to leave; James couldn't help but notice that half of the group left with her.

'What just – what just happened?' James stuttered, massaging a part of his forehead.

'I'll tell you about it later,' Remus sighed, pulling James to his feet. 'Come on, we'll go get you something from The Three Broomsticks to wake you up a little.'

**iii.**

Two Decembers later found the now fourth-years in Hogsmeade again. It had been snowing on and off up north, and a thick blanket of semi-untouched snow covered the grounds of Hogsmeade.

James had dragged his poor friends to Honeydukes, in search of something Lily might like.

'She likes Honeydukes, right, Moony?' James inquired, his eyes scanning the variety of sweets Honeydukes had to offer.

'Yep,' said Remus tiredly, his eyes fixated on the floor.

'What's her favourite?' James demanded. 'Does she have one favourite?'

'Nope,' Remus answered, now looking up.

He saw James's eyes on a sugary jewellery collection and rolled his eyes, foreseeing what his friend was planning to do. 'James, _no_. You are absolutely _not_ going to propose to Lily Evans – again – using a sugar ring.'

'Why not?' James asked, sounding perplexed.

'Mate,' said Sirius slowly, 'I don't think the ladies actually like that kind of thing.'

'You would know … how?' Peter piped up.

Sirius winked at Peter in response.

During this little exchange, James had already grabbed a handful of sugar jewellery and proceeded to the counter to pay. He could hear Remus groan behind him and ignored him.

The lady smiled at him while she bagged his purchase and waved them all goodbye as they left the sweet shop. Remus and Sirius were dreading the hunt to find Evans, but James needn't have looked any further – it looked as though she and her friends were headed to Honeydukes.

'Hey, EVANS!' James called, waving the bag.

Lily's smile slipped off her face instantly. She averted her gaze, as if determined to avoid him, turned on her heel, and started walking in the opposite direction.

'EVANS!' James called again, not taking the hint.

He hurried along to catch up with her, as he friends continued on to Honeydukes.

'Evans, wait!' he panted, finally catching up to her. 'Not so fast! It's almost like you're trying to avoid me.'

'Isn't that just hard to believe,' said Lily sarcastically, after turning around to get a good look at him. She sighed in a resigned way. 'What?'

James rummaged through the bag and pulled out a sugar ring. 'Be mine?'

She couldn't help but crack a smile, although this was gone as soon as she could help it. 'Very original, Potter.'

James grinned goofily, taking this as a compliment.

'No,' she answered flatly. She took the ring from his fingers and, smiling sweetly, said, 'Thanks for this though! I love the sugar jewellery collection; it reminds me of my childhood. Bye!'

She popped the sugar ring in her mouth and walked past a bemused James, searching for her friends again.

**iv.**

James was, perhaps, the best Chaser the Gryffindor Quidditch team had had in a while. He had spent most of his childhood zooming around on a broomstick (or so he led his admirers to believe), so it was only natural that he should be an excellent flier as a teenager. This didn't, however, make him immune to injuries. There was no way of preventing that which cannot be helped.

In a rather nasty match against Slytherin, he had been unfairly knocked off his broom by a Beater. No penalty which was awarded later could have stopped James falling about fifty feet to the hard ground.

Hours after the accident found him in the Hospital Wing, surrounded by the few friends and admirers who weren't partying in the Gryffindor common room, his skull cracked and his left arm broken. Needless to say, James Potter was completely out of it.

He groaned as he opened his eyes for the first time. It was very dark in the hospital wing, and the few torches which were lit did little for his vision, so he couldn't make out very many faces.

'All right there, mate?' came Sirius's voice from somewhere in the darkness.

James felt someone putting on his glasses for him – that did his vision a lot better.

'Whasappen'd?' James mumbled.

He sat up a little only to be greeted by excruciating pain.

'You got knocked off your broom,' Peter informed him.

'Whassatime?' he murmured.

'I think it's nearly eleven,' said Remus quietly, maintaining a sombre expression.

James attempted to grin at him. 'No need to look so serious,' he said groggily. 'I've had worse.'

'You've cracked your skull and broken several other bones,' said Remus abruptly. 'Have you _really_ had it worse.'

'Well,' said James modestly, trying to shrug.

'Patient's awake!' said Madam Pomfrey briskly, bustling out of her little office. 'Only six visitors to a patient. Some of you will have to leave.'

'Yeah, it's – it's getting late,' someone in the small crowd stammered. 'We should – go.'

James looked over to see it was Lily who was speaking. Upon meeting James's stare, he could see her blushing very slightly.

'You're right, it is getting late,' Madam Pomfrey clucked. 'You should all be in bed now. Go on. Off you all go.'

'Madam Pomfrey, please,' said James in the most charming voice he would muster while still feeling so groggy. 'I'd love some company. Please can they stay?'

Pomfrey hesitated for a moment, battling with herself. Eventually she said shortly, 'Prefects only,' knowing this would eliminate most of the people in the group.

No one bothered arguing with her. Sirius and Peter gently clapped James's shoulder as they left; James saw many young girls giving him backwards glances before finding himself in the company of just Lily and Remus. Pomfrey headed back to her office, muttering something to herself about "children these days".

'How are you feeling?' Lily asked quietly, her voice breaking from lack of use.

James attempted to pour her some water from the bottle and cup on his bedside table with the only arm he could use. Lily rushed to his aid, staring intently at the water bottle. She handed him the cup, but he shook his head and said, 'For you. You look like you've seen a Grim or something.'

Lily smiled slightly as she drank some of the water.

Feeling somewhat awkward and out of place, Remus stood up, cleared his throat and said, 'I'll be right back – I have a question for Madam Pomfrey.'

He hurried off, leaving Lily and James alone.

'I think you should go back to sleep,' Lily said eventually. 'Madam Pomfrey gave you a lot of stuff for pain.'

'Did she really?' said James dryly. 'Because it's not working.'

Lily smiled sympathetically at him before saying, 'Sleep can fix that.' She stood up and attempted to fix his pillows so he could sleep comfortably.

James took his glasses off and laid down, looking at the blurry silhouette of Lily. Already, he could feel sleep pulling at him.

'Marry me, Evans?' said James sleepily before closing his eyes.

He heard her sigh and say, 'Goodnight Potter,' before leaving, but James could have sworn he heard her say it with a smile.

**v.**

Everything felt different when the Marauders became sixth-years. They had more work to do than they ever had before. Many of their fellow sixth-years were beginning to crack underneath the pressure.

James was lucky he was clever, or else he might not have been able to keep up. His only problem was time management: he had to get the team in shape, ready for the Quidditch season, being captain and all, and he had to help his dear friend Remus with his furry little problem when it was that time of the month.

But James was lucky in this respect, because he was also popular. He had friends who were willing to help him out when necessary. On this particular evening, James found himself in the library with none other than Lily Evans, who had kindly agreed to read over and make notes for improvement on the Transfiguration essay he had hastily written earlier which was due the next day.

James was drumming his fingers rather impatiently, looking out the window. He was itching to get to Quidditch practise, although it wasn't for another twenty minutes or so.

'I think I'm done …' said Lily slowly, handing James his essay back. 'Yeah, just a few minor improvements.'

'Marry me, Evans?' he said carelessly. 'You are a lifesaver.'

Lily grinned embarrassedly, a faint blush visible on her cheeks. 'Don't let your girlfriend hear you say that, James.'

James jumped to his feet, stooped to kiss Lily's cheek and hurried out of the library, leaving Lily smiling to herself, and almost wishing that he said those three words meaningfully, the way he said them before, just for old times' sake.

**vi.**

They were no longer as carefree as they had been. The First Wizarding War which they had gotten themselves caught up in was getting worse and worse by the day. There were more reports of killings in the _Daily Prophet_, but James had found something of a safehaven with Lily. They had each other for comfort, and this was something no war could take away from them.

A friend was throwing a graduation party to which all who had just left Hogwarts were cordially invited to, bar a few enemies. James was going to Apparate to Lily's and they were going to attend together. Clad in his finest dress robes, James appeared at Lily's front door at the time he said he would be there, a bouquet of deep red roses in his hands.

When Lily opened the front door, she smiled widely and took the flowers.

'You shouldn't have, James,' she said, beaming.

James followed her into the kitchen and watched her put the flowers into a vase. 'You look beautiful,' he said sincerely.

And he meant it, for Lily Evans did, truly, look beautiful. She was wearing a gorgeous sapphire blue sleeveless dress which clung to her figure. She had even done something with her hair, although James wasn't quite sure what – but it looked different, and very pretty.

Lily blushed, and, staring at the floor, she mumbled a 'thank you'.

Grinning, James took her arm and Apparated her to the venue where it seemed many people had already arrived. James waved to a few friends, but Lily wouldn't let go of his arm.

'All right, Evans?' he asked her, still grinning.

'At what point in this relationship will you stop calling me by my surname?' Lily questioned, raising an eyebrow at him.

'You have to reach special girlfriend status for that,' he answered jokingly.

'_Well_,' Lily huffed.

She let go of his arm and left him to mingle with some old friends of hers. James scanned the room for Sirius – it didn't take long to find him, only one person would boom 'PRONGS!' over the crowd.

James waded through the crowd to get to the other side of the room where Sirius was, surrounded by a lot of their old friends.

'Padfoot, I need to talk to you,' James muttered when he was within earshot.

He grabbed Sirius's arms and pulled him away.

'What's this about?' asked Sirius curiously before looking around to make sure no one could hear them.

'I have the ring,' James answered. His voice sounded quite strained to Sirius. 'I have the ring and I don't – what do I –?'

Sirius barked with laughter, confusing James. 'This is what you're worried about?'

'Yes!' James exclaimed. 'How is this not a reasonable thing to worry about?! I don't know when or what or how or – what happens if she says no?!'

Sirius's grin slowly slipped off his face and he adopted a very solemn expression. 'She loves you. She's absolutely besotted. She's probably been waiting for this day since third-year, and you're kidding yourself if you think otherwise. Come on. Just pop the question so we can get planning with the wedding – can I be Best Man?'

'Padfoot!' James cried, as if this wasn't the time for jokes or planning happy occasions. 'What if it's too soon and she thinks I'm being creepy and decides to call it off?'

'Okay,' said Sirius firmly. 'I'll take care of the music, you pull her in for a dance. Drop hints. Ask her.'

'What – here?!'

'No, not here, not here at all,' Sirius said sardonically. 'Where else?!'

'But – there are people here!'

Sirius had gotten quite fed up. He pushed James in Lily's general direction and walked off, leaving a very confused James by himself. He quickly readjusted his facial expression and went to find Lily. It didn't take long, she was sat at the bar with some friends, laughing loudly at something that James suspected wasn't funny.

Suddenly, the song changed to something a lot slower, something even James could dance to. Undoubtedly this was Sirius's doing.

Lily looked up upon James reaching her. He extended a hand and said in a deep voice, 'May I have this dance?'

A lot of Lily's friends looked envious and she said graciously, 'Yes, you may.'

James pulled her onto the dance floor which had cleared up somewhat since the song changed, as if they were all making room for couples like them. James put an arm around Lily's waist, took her free hand in his, and began steering gently. He could feel her eyes on him, but felt too embarrassed, for some reason, to return the gaze, by which time she decided to look elsewhere.

'This is really nice, isn't it?' James asked eventually, sounding quite awkward.

'Yeah, it is,' said Lily lightly. 'Is everything all right, James? You're acting a bit funny.'

'I am?' James tried to laugh, but his voice was breaking. He cleared his throat and continued: 'Of course everything's fine! Why wouldn't everything be fine? Everything is more than fine … everything is super!'

Lily looked at James suspiciously, and this time he looked back.

'Right,' she said slowly.

'Listen, Lily,' said James quickly and quietly. 'You know I love you, don't you?'

'Of course, James,' Lily answered. 'Of course I do. Why –?'

'And you love me too,' James hurried on, 'don't you?'

Lily looked very perplexed. James Potter – needing reassurance?!

'This one question,' he continued, sounding very serious, 'has been burning in the back of my mind. For a while now. I can't stop thinking about it.'

'James – what –?'

He broke away from her and fumbled in one of his pockets for a small black box. Getting down on one knee (as best as he could in the stupid dress robe), he fiddled around with the box until he got it to open, and said, looking up at a very shocked Lily, 'Marry me, Evans?'

Lily pressed her hand against her chest, right over her heart, while two tears fell quickly from her eyes. She closed her mouth which had been hanging open in shock and gulped for air. Lily was suddenly aware that the music had stopped. It felt like everyone in their room had held their breath awaiting her response. But she didn't care; now it was only her and James.

She swallowed a few more times, trying to regain control. Lily sniffed and smiled widely, dabbing at her eyes with her fingers in an attempt to not smudge her make-up.

Her mouth was wobbly when she tried to speak: 'Y-yes, P-Potter. I will m-marry you.'

'Finally,' came a mutter which Lily suspected belonged to Sirius.

James took the ornate ring (which Lily suspected was an heirloom) out of the box and slid it onto her ring finger. He then delicately kissed her hand and stood up. Lily leaned in for a kiss immediately; James kissed her, and picked her up and spun her around while doing so, much to the applause of their onlookers.

When he put her down and pulled his lips away from hers, it was to have his forehead leaning against hers, their noses touching, and his arms wrapped tightly around her. It was difficult to tell whose smile was wider.

'Sometimes … I really do love you, Potter,' Lily murmured quietly, sniffing.

'Sometimes … I really do love you too, Evans,' James replied, his lips moving against hers. 'But – only sometimes.'

Lily pulled away, laughing. 'Oh, shut up, you.' She nudged his arm as another tear trickled down her cheek.

**vii.**

The marriage proposals didn't stop after the wedding. They were twenty, and, after a good eighteen hours in labour, Lily had just given birth to a beautiful baby boy. He had a tuft of dark hair already, as messy as James's, and his tiny fingers were constantly curled up. James couldn't wait for his son to open his eyes for the first time, but he supposed that a lot of screaming and crying would come first – that was something he _could_ wait for.

Wrapped in a bundle of baby blue blankets, little Harry was sound asleep in Lily's arms. James was sat next to her, his arm around his wife and his eyes on his son, as if he couldn't stare at him enough.

'Yeah, but we _made_ him,' said James quietly, sounding awestruck.

Lily laughed. 'James, stop it. I get it. You've said this a million times already. We did make him.'

'No but – Lily – you don't understand – we _made _him …'

'He's beautiful,' Lily commented, her eyes damp. 'I think he looks like you.'

James frowned. 'I don't look that … _pink_, do I?'

'Oh, stop it, James. You know what I mean.'

James kissed his wife's forehead, grinning. 'Marry me, Evans?'

'We're already married,' Lily reminded him.

'Marry me again.'

When Lily rolled her eyes, James continued hurriedly, 'Seeing you here, I could do it, you know. Marry you again. Marry you over and over. Everyday it's like – like I fall in love with you a little more or something. I can't explain it.'

Lily laughed and looked at her husband. 'You're crazy.'

'For you,' James said in the most charming voice he could manage.

She nudged him playfully and they cuddled with Harry still in Lily's arms. And James could honestly say that nothing had ever been more perfect in his life than the two people he was holding now.

* * *

**A/N: I'm thinking about bringing this fic to a close soon - it was so much fun while it lasted, but it has to end somewhere, right? Opinions are greatly valued.**


	11. First Shave

**A/N: I feel like a creep writing something so personal about one of my favourite characters, but it's pure humour. Enjoy! Warning: may experience second-hand embarrassment.**

* * *

- Chapter Eleven -

~ First Shave ~

He knew it was drawing nearer and nearer: the day when he, James Potter, would become a man, i.e. the day he would start shaving. He couldn't tell if he was nervous for it or excited – all he knew was that he had wanted to start shaving and be a _man_ from a very young age, ever since he was a child and used to sometimes watch and imitate his father shaving early in the morning before he had breakfast and headed off to work.

And now, it was his turn. He wasn't expecting it though, not today.

James sat up in bed, yawning and stretching and running a hand through his already messy dark hair. He reached towards his bedside table for his glasses and put them on clumsily before pulling back the maroon curtains of his four poster bed to see that Peter and Remus and Sirius were already awake, conversing in low tones so as not to wake him up (which was unusually considerate of them) and getting changed into their school uniform although there was no rush to get to start the school day.

''Morning,' Remus smiled at James, glancing casually at his dark-haired friend; a moment later, however, he froze, his smile nowhere in sight.

''Morning, M-M-Moony,' James replied, failing to stifle a yawn. 'What – what is it?' He hadn't failed to notice that Remus was staring oddly at his face.

Sirius turned to look at James and pulled a face. 'You've got a little … a little thing on your face.' He began rubbing his own jaw and chin with a finger and thumb.

James blinked. 'A little what?' He rubbed his face hard, thinking there was a dungbeetle on his face – or something worse.

'A little … hair,' Peter finished, joining in with Remus and Sirius and gawping at James's face.

James stroked his jaw and chin and felt how prickly it was. He sat bolt upright as though he had just been struck by lightning, all signs of tiredness gone. He threw on a pair of trousers over the boxers he had slept in and hurried to the bathroom to check out his reflection in the mirror. The same hazel eyes stared back at him from behind dark-framed spectacles, his hair was still as dark and messy as ever, if not messier; the only difference was that there, along his lower jaw and chin, were small little dark hairs … he had stubble!

James erupted with excitement although he tried to play it cool, well aware that his friends were still watching him. He hurried back into the dormitory to grab his wand. It was only then that he realised he had no idea exactly _how_ to shave. He turned to his friends.

'How do I do this?' he asked them helplessly. 'I don't remember the hair removal spell. I'm sure we've used it on someone once but … what was it?!'

Peter and Sirius shrugged; Remus replied lightly, 'You could always use a Muggle razor …? They're handy little things. But there's a small danger in that you might cut yourself if you're not careful.'

'I … guess I could try that,' James said slowly. He trusted Remus wouldn't recommend anything if it wasn't any good.

Remus rummaged through his trunk and pulled out a bright yellow plastic packet containing strange sharp-looking metal on sticks. Could this really do the trick? Remus handed one of the sticks to James who took it cautiously.

'You haven't … used this one, have you?' James asked warily.

'No, no,' said Remus quickly with a small laugh. 'They're disposable. Go on, try it.'

James looked to Sirius to exchange glances with them as they traditionally did whenever Remus suggested a Muggle contraption as a solution to the problem, but found Sirius busying himself with packing his school bag, an expression on his face as though he was trying hard not to laugh.

Suppressing a sigh, James went back into the bathroom and looked at his reflection again. He picked up the razor and slowly began running it along his jaw. He saw the effects instantly; the part he had shaved was clean and hairless in comparison to the part he hadn't. But where did the hair go? Muggles had weird ways of doing things.

Feeling more confident than before, James ran the razor down his chin repeatedly, trying to remove all the hair that was there. It wasn't that he didn't think the stubble made him look even more gorgeous, it was more the fact that the razor in his hand made him feel a weird sense of power and superiority: he was finally a man.

He continued shaving when, suddenly, a split second of pain made him drop the razor in the sink. 'Ow!' he exclaimed.

'What happened?' Peter asked from the dormitory.

James surveyed his reflection before saying, 'Nothing. I think I nearly cut myself.'

'Whoa,' came Remus's voice, 'that was a _close shave_.'

In the reflection of the bathroom mirror, James saw a large, mouldy hardback book, most likely Sirius's, fly across the room and hit Remus hard on the head.

'Sirius!' Remus yelped, massaging the part of his head the book hit. 'That hurt!'

'Stop with the puns,' Sirius ordered, taking the book back to pack in his bag. 'There's a time and place for puns: never and nowhere.'

'Oh, you want me to _cut it out_?'

This time, James saw a book and two pillows fly across the room and hit Remus, who fell to the floor.

'Peter, not you too!' Remus groaned, picking himself up.

'That was a terrible one,' said Peter, shaking his head.

'You could almost say –'

'STOP!' Peter and Sirius roared in unison.

James chortled in the bathroom, putting his razor down on the sink in case he almost cut himself again. He looked down and saw little hairs all over the sink – so that was where all the hair went. When he was done, James washed the sink and began getting ready for the school day, listening to his friends bicker about how awful Remus's puns were. Secretly, he appreciated them, but he wasn't going to admit that to any of them, least of all in Sirius's presence.

It took James a little over fifteen minutes to get ready, and the four set off down the spiral staircase to the common room, James in the lead. He noticed as he walked over to the portrait hole that he was turning more heads than usual. Basking in his newfound manliness, James grinned back at everyone and ruffled his hair more than he usually would have.

'Why is everyone staring at you?' Peter whispered from behind.

James shrugged, enjoying all the attention nonetheless. As they reached the portrait hole, he noticed Lily, surrounded by a gaggle of girls, was also looking his way and bursting into laughter along with her friends. James was beginning to feel slightly put off. He walked up to them, faking confidence, and demanded to know what was so funny.

All of the girls fell silent, although they all still wore stupid grins.

Lily, who was leaning against the wall, eventually decided to put him out of his misery and said, 'Did you try shaving today, Potter? You have some … blood running down your chin.'

'What?' James said quickly, his face quickly turning red.

One of the girls took out a compact mirror which James was quick to snatch. And sure enough when he looked into it, he saw quite a frightful amount of blood for one little cut running down his chin. He hastily wiped it away with his sleeve and returned the mirror to the girl before going back to his friends who were waiting by the portrait hole.

'Why didn't any of you tell me I cut my chin shaving?!' James questioned angrily.

Sirius shrugged and replied, 'Didn't notice, mate.'

'I'm never shaving the Muggle way again,' said James bitterly, climbing through the portrait hole and leaving behind the crowds of people who witnessed first-hand the mistake he made shaving. 'I take back everything I said about how cool being grown-up will be. I want out.'

'Tough luck,' said Sirius, clapping a hand on his shoulder and walking ahead of him.

'I guess you're just not _cut out_ to be an adult just yet,' Remus sighed, shaking his head sympathetically.

Sirius slipped his bag off his shoulder and whacked Remus around the back with it. 'The next shaving pun you make will get you worse than that,' he said darkly, slipping the strap of his bag over his shoulder again.

Remus bit back a laugh, rubbing his back and pretending it hurt him. James ruffled his friend's hair while pondering on how accurate his words were: maybe he, James Potter, was too much of a boy to be a man at this point in time. But he'd get there eventually. Every boy did.


End file.
